Uniter 30 outtakes

Tomfoolery of the lowest order

Tabulating the votes for the Uniter 30 every year is an emotional rollercoaster. Some years it’s fun. Others, boring. Depending on my mood, it’s a task I either look forward to or dread. No part of the psychological experience oscillates more wildly than the joke votes.

Yes, we get a lot of joke votes. Votes are anonymous, people can write whatever they want, and, much like the anonymous questions box in junior high sex-ed class, there’s always plenty of juvenile attempts at humour and vulgarity.

In 2019, my first time tabulating, I said these jokes “make the process a whole lot more fun.” Last year, I compared them to bathroom-stall graffiti, and not as a compliment. In this difficult year, like many folks, I’m taking any chuckle I can get as a small blessing, no matter how crude.

(note: any typos or grammatical errors are preserved from actual ballot entries)

Favourite local achiever over 60

“My friggin dad.”

“The Mayor or something.”

Favourite local achiever under 30

“Hannah the Liberal rep on CBC’s election night.”

“Nobody achieves anything until they are 45 years old.”

“The girl reading this :)”

Favourite local activist

“First person to jackhammer the barricades at Portage and Main.”

Favourite local athlete

“Not Obby Khan.”

Favourite local comedian

“The Gen Z CBC interns who asked Heather Stefanson and the other leaders what their girl dinner was.”

Favourite date activity

“Becoming nauseous and drained of energy by the fluorescent lights in Value Village.”

“Cruising at Club 200.”

“Dreaming about living somewhere with better transit.”

“Getting railed.”

“Spending $250 at Moxies Kenaston.”

Favourite local dancer

“My friggin dad.”

Favourite new local independent business

“I saw the greatest local independent businesses of my generation turned into weed shops.”

“One of the hundreds of new cannabis stores that popped up.”

Favourite local place that no longer exists

“Clean air in summer.”

Favourite political moment

“Audrey Gordon losing.”

“Everyone realizing MB Poli Drag Race was run by an NDP staffer.”

“Sleepy Joe”

“When All Of Us Laughed”

“When the fly laded on Mike Pess head.”

Favourite public art piece

“That conceptual installation where they closed sidewalks all over the city for months.”

“The Liberal CBC rep’s earrings.”

“Vandalized PC bus bench ads.”

Favourite on-campus spot

“Centennial Hall (because thats where the pizza is!)”

“Distance ed at home thank yewwwww.”

“The hall on the 4th floor everyone goes to when they have phone calls.”

“When the book guy is there it’s wherever the book guy is set up.”

“The library aisle with the books about folk music on one end and you can sit there and read against the window.”

Favourite local restaurant

“The illegal pizzeria in Wolseley.”

“Whatever Cousins is called now.”

“Spicy Noodle House - get the spicy peanut noodle soup if you are sick it will heal you instantly.”

Favourite local social-media presence

“All the news sites I now can’t read.”

Favourite music venue

“My cd player at my parent’s place.”

“my shower”

“Darling Bar because I can sit on the floor and no one cares.”

Favourite Winnipegger abroad

“My ex. See ya!”

Published in Volume 78, Number 12 of The Uniter (November 30, 2023)

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