Haiku Horoscopes
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
ARIES
Get ready for a
Season of great weather and
Morbid irony
TAURUS
A coat of fresh paint
Can revitalize a room
Or a depressed clown
GEMINI
A stepladder is
Handy to have around in
Case your ladder dies
CANCER
Make thebest of things
Raise that dingo like you would
Have raised your own child
LEO
The dating scene can
Be Depressing, but cheer up-
They'll settle for less
VIRGO
Getting behind in
Your reading? Create a world
Where books are outlawed
LIBRA
Opportunity
Is knocking- will you answer?
C'mon, you're closer
SCORPIO
It's time to give up
Your dream of falling but then
Not hitting the ground
SAGITTARIUS
The monster under
Your bed disqualifies you
For life insurance
CAPRICORN
Well, you rose to the
Challenge of eating the whole
Turkey. Now you're dead
AQUARIUS
It's hard to admit
To your failings- and in your
Case it could take weeks
PISCES
Down on your luck? Start
To carry corpse chunkc from an
Unlucky rabbit
Published in Volume 78, Number 25 of The Uniter (May 30, 2024)