It’s like I always say, a happy penis makes for a happy mind, which gets us all one step closer to world peace. Why doesn’t Miss America ever talk about male masturbatory sleeves? They’re fabulous, available in a variety of textures and price points, and hey, they make you ejaculate. Isn’t life fun?
A male masturbatory sleeve (MMS) is just what it sounds like, a tube of material (usually silicon or CyberSkin) that’s designed to make love to when lubricated. While they are primarily designed to make alone time more exciting, some creative couples have found ways to play with them together.
The less expensive models generally have a hole at the bottom and the top and aren’t encased in anything. I like Climax Gems. They are $26 at Smitten (4-120 Osborne St.), plus the ambiguous shapes and colours make them more visually appealing than a disembodied vagina.
A great trick is to load one of these up with some flavoured lube and stimulate the portion of your partner’s penis that sticks out the top with your mouth. Then you simply squish the sleeve in tandem. This way the entire shaft gets attention and no one’s gag reflex comes to the party.
Some sleeves market themselves as a “stamina builder.” Personally, I believe any of them would make a great practice tool for longer lasting sex. Grab a stopwatch if you have a sporty streak.
Among higher end toys, the brand name that most folks recognise is Fleshlight. I love this company’s playful marketing campaigns, and they have many styles to choose from including a blue alien, a cyborg and porn star Jenna Haze. Your Fleshlight is cleverly hidden in a flashlight shaped container, also available in a beer can, which is sneaky, but I would still hide it at the family barbeque.
Fleshlights cost $90 or more, mainly because of their patented CyberSkin, made to “feel just like the real thing.”
But there’s only one sleeve out there that makes me wish I had a penis. The Tenga costs $150, but in this Bunny’s opinion, it’s well worth the price.
The sleek design makes the Tenga the masturbatory sleeve that Stanley Kubrick would have used (Full Metal Jack It? “I will keep my rifle clean and ready”).
The inside of a Tenga is a complex network of textures. Rather than trying to mimic a vagina, this company has simply designed something new that feels great. Why not? There are enough toys on the market for vaginas with features impossible for a mortal penis. Also, Tenga’s casing is squeezable in the middle, with pressure points that create different sensation. And unlike any other sleeve, the case splits at the sides and the entire toy flips open, making clean-up much easier.
If you aren’t ready to break the bank, Tenga also makes “egg beaters.” These little guys are stretchy, hollow egg-shaped silicone pieces that come in many toe curling textures and only cost $15.
So, what’s better? Going out and doing some clichéd Valentine’s Day dinner, or having a night in with a new toy? Did I mention Fleshlight makes a shower mount?
Follow Bunny Ben Wa as she hops through the holes of the Internet @BUNNYBENWA.
Published in Volume 68, Number 20 of The Uniter (February 13, 2014)