Haiku Horoscopes
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
ARIES
Treat yourself with some
Delicious crepes! Then treat the
Ghosts to some ghost crepes
TAURUS
That bump in the night
Can easily be explained
As clumsy monsters
GEMINI
Where there is only
One set of footprints, that's when
I hijacked your car
CANCER
Home is where the heart
Is, beating loudly under
Those pulsing floorboards
LEO
If you want to be
A better writer, then you
Should learn what words are
VIRGO
Your poetry would
Benefit from editing
Out all of the words
LIBRA
It's silly to feel
Bad about things you cannot
Change, like that light bulb
SCORPIO
Play your summer safe-
Wear a hat, lots of sunblock
And don't fall in love
SAGITTARIUS
The more that you learn
About rabid dogs, the less
You have to live for
CAPRICORN
As your trial drags on
You'll wonder if that taco
Was worth all of this
AQUARIUS
Without marketing
You're nothing- you might as well
Just kill yourself now
PISCES
You're just dyslexic-
A dog does not have to die
To absolve your sins
Published in Volume 78, Number 24 of The Uniter (April 4, 2024)