Haiku Horoscopes
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
ARIES
Learn something new this
Week, like how to avoid the
Bear trap in the yard
TAURUS
The ghosts haunting you
Request more warning before
You use the bathroom
GEMINI
Skill saws are less fun
But do not require as much
Skill as you might think
CANCER
You let the genie
Out of the bottle, now you
Get to shut your mouth
LEO
Don't gamble with your
Life, instead bet something that
Is valuable
VIRGO
You will feel like a
High roller this week, until
You learn how to count
LIBRA
Though gambling is a
Sin, it's probably not worse
Than killing gamblers
SCORPIO
You'll be invited
To a classy affair, so
Wear a classy noose
SAGITTARIUS
Though misery may
Love company, it's getting
Sick of your visits
CAPRICORN
Music won't soothe the
Savage beast but you can club
It with the guitar
AQUARIUS
Helping others is
Not meant to entail helping
Them get arrested
PISCES
The rock gods smile on
You are your decision to
Stop writing rock songs
Published in Volume 78, Number 22 of The Uniter (March 21, 2024)