Haiku Horoscopes
by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
ARIES
I don't kow what, but
I just feel like that wombat
Is planning something
TAURUS
You're so dramatic!
The clown job will make use of
That Shapespeare training
GEMINI
Resistance may be
Futile but it can be a
Good way to meet girls
CANCER
Getting maced when you
Try to help an old woman
Is its own reward
LEO
Your mad plans to breed
That goose and that mongoose will
Make a good sitcom
VIRGO
Put more cow bell on
The album - you are going
To want more cow bell
LIBRA
Getting your homework
Done early will give you more
Time to masturbate
SCORPIO
Lead a more active
Lifestyle, so you lose weight and
Escape predators
SAGITTARIUS
The pleasure of your
Company is marred by the
Length of your visits
CAPRICORN
People with plants live
Longer, according to some
Studies done by plants
AQUARIUS
Your novel needs a
Better title than Something
To Read on the Plane
PISCES
Only one thing stands
Between you and success, and
That one thing is you
Published in Volume 78, Number 23 of The Uniter (March 28, 2024)