Give people a place to write – any place, be it the margins of a notebook page, the wall of a bathroom stall, an internet form entry – and people will write the most inane, puerile thing that pops into their head.

Well, the Uniter 30 ballot is certainly one of those things. And, once again, we are your bathroom wall. Here are some of the silliest, crudest things you wrote this year instead of actually voting for things you like.

(note: any typos or grammatical errors are preserved from actual ballot entries)

Favourite local achiever under 30

“Don’t trust anyone under 30.”

“My cat.”

“Why no achievers from age 30 to 60!?”

Favourite local activist

“The guy who poured a pitcher on Danny Smyth.”

Favourite local artist

“The person that drew the penis outside Pallister’s house.”

Favourite local athlete

“Air Bud.”

“I don't sport sowwy :(“

“Neon Cone ice cream shop employees.”

Favourite local barber or hairstylist

“I’m bald.”

Favourite local comedian

“CANCEL CULTURE”

“Jenny Motkaluk. That whole bit where she was running for mayor was hilarious.”

Favourite local dancer

“Kelvin Goertzen dancing to ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game’ a few rows ahead of me at a Goldeyes game.”

Favourite local date activity

“Bathroom sex at the Good Will after eating some delicious pork buns.”

“bumpin uglyz”

“Eating ass high on psilocybin.”

“Making ‘whoopee!’”

“Getting cancelled on the night of and watching Hairspray at home in bed instead.”

“Kissing (no tongue).”

“Making out behind a Salisbury House.”

“Picking gum off the sidewalk.”

Favourite local gallery or artist space

“Defaced Kevin Klein garbage bin ads.”

Favourite local grassroots group

“Is this a bluegrass thing?”

“woke mob”

Favourite on-campus menu item

“The woke agenda.”

Favourite local outdoor gathering place

“Brian Pallister’s house on Wellington Crescent.”

“The line outside the River-Osborne LC.”

Favourite local performance

“Bartley Kives asking questions during press conferences.”

Favourite local place that no longer exists

“Beet Happening (I miss those big salads, made me feel like I was Elaine Benes from Seinfeld eatin’ those).”

Favourite political moment

“Jenny Motkaluk’s Canada Day temper tantrum.”

“Ross Eadie showing up at Ed Radchenka’s house at 1:30 a.m.”

“Any time the PCs get roasted.”

“Jon Reyes’ wife shovelling.” “

Monstrosity Burger closing down.”

“Mind ya own business!”

Favourite local public art piece

“Conceptual performance artist Heather Stefanson as a sentient pile of compost.”

“The Golden Boy (love his dong).”

Favourite Winnipegger abroad

“It’s 2022, people don’t like being called a ‘broad.’”

“I mean, I’m away from home pretty often.”

“Santa Clause.”

Published in Volume 77, Number 12 of The Uniter (December 1, 2022)