Quit stressing yourself with those phone calls to guarantee a dinner reservation on Valentine’s Day. And while puffy pink bouquets are impressive at first sight, you’ll be sad to learn flowers eventually wither and die.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t celebrate at all on the 14th, but it would deeply sadden us to see your relationship end up like those bouquets.

This Valentine’s Day - or any alternative day for the Valentine’s Day haters out there - The Uniter recommends the “make-out trail.”

The trail consists of seven closely connected stops for you and your partner to, well, make out at, in or on.

So take out that winter jacket and get smooching.

1. The bus shack at Portage and Donald is your starting point. This is one of downtown’s busiest stops, and an audience will likely be present when you begin to kiss. Disregard any frowns and celebrate the beginning of an evening replete with exhibitionism.

2. Make your way up to the Portage Skywalk. Look at downtown from a new perspective - Portage Avenue puts on quite the light show at night.

Certainly don’t forget to put on your own show for the Avenue.

3.Your next stop is Dessert Sinsations Café. Order two cups o’ Joe and sinfully rejoice in each other’s coffee breaths.

“ Disregard any frowns and celebrate the beginning of an evening replete with exhibitionism.

4. Walk towards the Legislative Building and stop at Memorial Park. Find the fluffiest surface of snow and let yourselves fall on top of it. Make snow angels, discover the best view of that golden fellow, and share some love.

5. Cross the Osborne Street Bridge and pay attention to the quotations embedded along its rail. Begin your traverse by finding the saying that reads “Feeling everywhere at home.” When you find it, reward yourselves with kisses. Continue your stroll by reading out loud the sayings that strike you the most - you’ll stumble on a balanced mix of humorous and uplifting words.

6. Once you’ve crossed the bridge, find the famous busking station located at the northwest corner of the River and Osborne intersection. Summon all your courage, moisten your dry lips, and step right onto one of the surrounding benches. Make a scene without getting arrested.

7. Find any bedroom in the city, and follow the pattern.

When you’ve reached the seventh stop, dim the lights, lie down and let yourselves get whisked away by listening to these five sexy tunes.

Under Control by The Strokes
I’m Your Man by Leonard Cohen
Glory Box by Portishead
Je t’aime… moi non plus by Serge Gainsbourg and Brigitte Bardot
Marry the Sea by Imaginary Cities

Published in Volume 67, Number 19 of The Uniter (February 7, 2013)