Every couple goes through a series of unavoidable stages, some of those emotional, the more interesting and hilarious ones, physical. Which sexual stage is your relationship in?

1. The Awkward Stage

Working out the mechanics

When your relationship is bright, shiny and new, and the sun shines out of your partner’s every orifice, excitement accompanied with a recent sexual repertoire of drunken one night stands give most beginning sexual encounters with a new partner a tinge of awkwardness.

Insert Part B into Slot F sounds straightforward enough. But at this point in the sexual relationship, neither partner is usually comfortable enough to explain that they would prefer Part G to be inserted at an angle of 90 degrees into Slot C, instead.

In this stage of the relationship, it barely matters if the sex is good. All that matters is that you’re having sex and that its occurrence is frequent.

But those neuroses, anxieties and thoughts along the lines of “Do they seriously think this feels good?” will eventually need to be talked about and corrected if you expect to further pursue this receiver of your loins.

2. The Honeymoon

Sex bomb, sex bomb, you’re my sex bomb

Once the mechanics are worked out and you and your partner are falling madly in lust, you can really get down to business.

Fornication is priority number one and you will stop at nothing to get it on and get off.

You will be deceived into believing that your partner always wears sexy underwear and always smells delicious. This is when the sex is good, and starts becoming better with every fuck.

Good, great, grand wonderful intercourse is happening and you never want to get out of bed – unless the kitchen counter, the stairs, the mall bathroom, the backseat, the shower, the sidewalk, or a sturdy tree, is available.

It’s hard to control yourself at this point, but when you end up kicking someone in the face while making out heavily on a bus, it’s time to reconsider public transportation.

3. Real Life

Routines and ruts

Eventually the honeymoon ends and the hormones, excitement and uncontrollable urges simmer down and you remember that you used to have responsibilities and obligations and, holy crap, they still exist.

Now sex must be integrated within those routine obligations, which often means that you need to schedule time for the once existence-consuming dirty deed.

Sex becomes just as routine as brushing your teeth, and often feels like you’re both just going through the motions: foreplay is minimal, positions are predetermined and you can get ‘er done within 15 minutes and go to bed.

The lacy underwear miraculously disappears and neither person is overly concerned about hygiene anymore.

4. The Reinvigorating Stage

Spice up your life

Once you have realized that your sex life has moved beyond monotonous to downright boring, it’s time to spice it up, and what better way to do that than with some dirty talk, flavoured lube, handcuffs, a vibrating device and a sexed up pilot’s uniform (preferably crotchless)?

This is when you buy the Kama Sutra and attempt to master all of the positions, but eventually realize that no one can possibly be that flexible, thus you resort to vigorously and enthusiastically recreating the good ol’ fashioned fucking that you fell in love with in the first place.

It’s even more fun to use the toys as an adjunct to adventurous role-playing scenarios, but none of those stereotypical school-girl/professor, criminal/cop scenarios. Get really adventurous and creative, like Professional Cage-Fighting Zombie meets Innocent Anti-Fur Activist with the Ability to Fly.

Important note for this stage: pearl necklaces are not real gifts.

5. Beyond Cock Rings and Erogenous Zones

Solo activity

Eventually the adventure ends and your goody drawer develops a thick layer of dust. The dirty talk becomes robotic and your sex life reverts back to a state of monotony.
Although you still have sex occasionally, you now call it “making love.” The focal point of the relationship becomes simply, and begrudgingly, the other person’s presence in your life.

When all that stands between you and a deep slumber is a pesky sexual urge, you no longer muster up the energy to copulate; instead you take matters into your own hands, literally, and beat the beaver or choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come.

Perhaps, due to your comfort and trust in each other at this point, you can share a subscription to a good porn website to assist both of you in these solo activities.

Remember to keep your partner’s needs in mind though: if your vibrator sounds like a lawn mower, or your involuntary arousal noises sound like a pained walrus, designate a Masturbatorium.

Published in Volume 65, Number 17 of The Uniter (January 27, 2011)