The lost link between video editing, porn and meth

In this godless and valueless cesspool we call modern society, it is sometimes difficult to avoid certain temptations. These include drinking to excess, performing lewd acts of pure indecency with a watermelon and a pair of leather pants, or even to taking a penny from the little tray when you don’t really need it.

I have recently fallen into the trap of sin and indulgence by becoming hopelessly addicted to video editing. I’m just learning, but I can’t get enough of it. I’ve been spending, like, eight hours a day on top of classes doing this stuff. I’m actually typing this article with my feet right now, because my hands are busy video editing.

That being said, I’m still not very good at it, but I’m sure it’ll come. I’m pretty confident that with perseverance, I will one day be able to reach my goal. My goal, incidentally, is to get good enough at video editing so I can animate and superimpose the heads of the babies in Anne Geddes’ photos onto the bodies of the actors in porno movies.

That might sound offensive, but at least I don’t want to dress the babies up like flowers and crap like that.

Porn is a funny thing. I wonder if people ever splice single frames of children’s movies à la Fight Club into porno films. I think that’d be pretty neat.

For some reason, if you take prostitution, which is illegal, and add a video camera, it somehow magically becomes legal.

Porn is also mysterious. For some reason, if you take prostitution, which is illegal, and add a video camera, it somehow magically becomes legal. I wish that technique worked with other crimes.

“Yes officer, I did kill that guy. It’s OK, though, because I got it all on HD video! I even made a DVD with outtakes and bloopers and a director’s cut!”

This sort of leads me back to video editing and how I’m as hopelessly addicted to it as if it were crystal meth, which leads me to the topic of this week’s column: crystal meth.

People who smoke crystal meth just seem for some reason to have this special glow about them. It’s almost like that glow that everyone says pregnant women get, except this one isn’t bullshit. It seems – to me, anyway – that crystal meth just gives people that little edge in life, that little advantage over everyone else. They can run faster, jump higher, do calculus more accurately and eat more soup than us normal, non-crystal meth-smoking people.

I know all of this because I had a conversation with some people last week who “do meth” all the time. It was a pretty lengthy and in-depth exchange of ideas. Admittedly, I was pretty drunk at the time, which may account for the fact that I thought we were talking about math until about three-quarters of the way through the discussion. I told them I’d never done it, but sitting here right now, reviewing this article, I’m starting to think that maybe I do smoke meth.

Denial can be a powerful thing.

J. Williamez is an ideas man – so much so that his ideas come out of nowhere. Kinda like this article.

Published in Volume 64, Number 22 of The Uniter (March 11, 2010)

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