The other day, I met a girl who knew who I was.

I should qualify that.

There are lots of girls who know who I am. In and of itself, this is not interesting. My mom knows who I am, as does my girlfriend.

This particular girl, however, both knew who I was and was unknown to me. That’s why I mentioned that she knew who I was. 

Now that I’ve cleared up that crucial ambiguity, I can get back to my story…

This girl who knew who I was asked me if I was me.

She didn’t say, “Hey, are you you?” but rather, “Hey, are you J. Williamez?”

When I did the obligatory dismissive gesture and coy smile before saying that I was, indeed, the mythical beast that is J. Williamez, she proceeded to tell me how much she loved my album and how glad she was that she had burned a copy of it off of her friend’s copy of my actual album.

I couldn’t believe the nerve of this girl. There she was, looking me right in the eye, telling me that she had illegally burned a copy of my album.

It was like she didn’t even realize that stealing music on the Internet is morally wrong, objectively. It was all I could do to not completely lose my shit.

What she obviously didn’t understand is that when you download music illegally on the Internet, you are essentially holding an artist or a band down in the woods and beating them mercilessly.

That might sound harsh, so let me explain.

Recording artists are expected to maintain and project a certain type and level of lifestyle.

When you are a rock star, you are expected to write songs about fucking a lot of chicks, and doing a lot of coke off the asses of said chicks.

In recent years, since the inception of illegal downloading, it has become increasingly difficult for many rock stars to afford just coke or chicks, never mind both.

This has led to an entire generation of rock stars writing songs about things people can relate to like pain or struggle.

We can’t have our musicians writing songs about things like that.

That’s why I am hereby starting an initiative to completely ban illegal downloading from the Internet.

I think if I go door to door for about three weeks, I can gain enough support to make it happen.

And why stop there?

While I’m busy pissing in the winds of obvious and inevitable change, I may as well mount a campaign against the Internet itself.

I think we need to shut the whole thing down so we can concentrate on getting rock stars from point b to point coke and chicks.

It may seem like a drastic step, but how else are we to ensure the creation of meaningful art in our troubled times?

Please do not reprint or quote this article without first sending J. Williamez coke or chicks.

Published in Volume 65, Number 17 of The Uniter (January 27, 2011)