As we all know, thanks to John Cusack, the world is going to end on Dec. 21, 2012 and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
This week I’d like to dedicate my column to some of the important preparations we should all be making for the inevitable end of everything.
Before I get into the preparations, I should probably make sure that you all know exactly what I’m talking about.
Many people believe the ancient Mayan calendar says that the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012. It’s important to note that the Mayans did not believe that the world was going to end at all, but rather that this date would signify a shift from one age to another.
Recent interpretation of the calendar, however, has led super smart people like Nostradamus and John Cusack to believe that the end of the world is at hand. And really, what would the Mayans know about their own calendar. Cusack is right!
Now that we’ve established that the end is definitely coming, let’s talk about what we should all do to prepare ourselves for the inevitable.
First, since we have less than three years to live, we all need to quit our jobs. Who wants to spend the last precious years of his of her life working for the man? Squares, that’s who!
Secondly, since the end is quickly approaching, we all need to start humping each other indiscriminately. And since there is so little time left, there’s no longer any need to use condoms.
Furthermore, we should try and make as many babies as we can before it’s too late, because as everyone knows, babies go to heaven when they die, but they don’t go to heaven if they never get born.
That’s why it is our duty to start pumping out the babies as quickly as we possibly can over the next three years.
When we are knee-deep in babies, the world will end, sending us, babies and all, to heaven where Anne Geddes will be waiting to take pictures of them dressed up like stupid crap. Wait, that sounds a little more like hell…
Anyway, the most important thing for us to do in preparation for the end of the world is to stop trying to save the damn world!
All the reducing, reusing and recycling we’ve been doing is not going to save us from “Mayan Death.” Al Gore isn’t going to somehow stop the world from ending. Even David Suzuki won’t be able to charm his way into saving the world, so I think it’s high time we had some fun. Let’s pour chemicals into rivers and drive our Hummers into the ground.
It may be our last chance.
J. Williamez wishes to apologize for the gloomy outlook.
Published in Volume 64, Number 23 of The Uniter (March 18, 2010)