Girl, you know it’s true

So as a comedian and lover of dorky cartoons/laser tag, I end up making a lot of guy friends.

The dudes I hang out with are more emotionally complex and compassionate than men are normally given credit for, and I think it’s valuable for a man to enjoy female company in a non-sexual way so that he is able to express this side of himself more freely.

That being said, I am tired of putting out the fires that my gender has a tendency to light with reckless abandon all over my friends’ lives.

I do not believe that there is one definition for “girl” or “boy” behaviour, and I’m sure there are men out there committing the following crimes, but I am simply speaking from my own personal experience as a confidante to many of the boys in my life.

Girl needs her own fan club

This girl is constantly scanning the room for those who are hopelessly in love with her so that she can exploit them, and those who have not yet met her so that she can manipulate them into falling hopelessly in love with her.

She usually has a boyfriend along with several men whom she will commission to entertain her when said boyfriend stops worshipping her for more than five minutes.

I don’t like these girls because they hurt my friends to feed their own ego, and because I end up spending hours de-bugging the malicious virus they release into people’s brains.

Girl tries too hard

This girl hears something like, “Put yourself out there,” and interprets it as, “Get a crush on every boy and never stop touching any of them ever no matter how uncomfortable they get.”

I already have an issue with excessive public displays of affection, but it’s especially nauseating coming from a girl who just cannot get a clue. I suggest getting a specific idea of what you want in a man beyond a pulse, and to procure a book on the subject of body language.

Girl is insecure

In the words of my personal guru, RuPaul Charles, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

There is nothing you can do to convince this girl that you a) love her, b) are attracted to her and c) are not cheating on her.

I don’t know if I’m more upset by this kind of girl or the guys who date her.

Free counseling services are available, and I think it would be worthwhile for all of us to assess whether or not we need some help before we can bring someone else into our world.

I am by no means perfect, and I think I’ve probably fallen into some of these categories a few times before, but as I get into my late 20s I find that I am ridding myself of more toxic patterns every day, and if I can make even one girl a little more self-aware, I’ll consider this worthwhile.

Have a question about relationships you’d like her to address in a future column? Email it to with “Open Relationship” in the subject line. Visit

Published in Volume 66, Number 17 of The Uniter (January 25, 2012)

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