A thoughtful response to Vic Toews and Bill C-30

A lot of people have been making a big stink lately over Vic Toews and his proposed bill to give the Canadian government more freedom to go through Canadians’ emails and other personal online transactions without a warrant, or any real oversight or accountability.

I think people are making a big deal out of nothing.

As we all know, from classics like George Orwell’s 1984, a government having unlimited access to its citizens’ personal and private information is always a good thing.

I say, let Vic Toews read my boring emails if he thinks it will help Canada in the long run

(I never actually finished 1984, but I assume it ended well - with Big Brother realizing the error of his ways, and giving bunt cake to everyone, or something like that.)

Maybe you disagree. Before you start whining, though, consider this: If Vic Toews wants to spy on us, then Vic Toews will spy on us.

Given that this is an absolute certainty, I’d far rather have Mr. Toews reading my emails and going through my personal communications online, than standing outside my window beating off into a sweat sock.

Now, I don’t mean to imply that if we don’t let Toews spy on us online, he will necessarily stand outside of each of our windows beating off into a sweat sock (there are a lot of windows in Canada, and only one Vic Toews), but it is certainly a logical possibility - and that’s enough for me!

So I say, bring it on! I say, let Toews read my boring emails if he thinks it will help Canada in the long run, especially if it means that by letting him do it, I can avoid getting out of a hot relaxing bath, only to glance out the window to see a cold, yet aroused Vic Toews pounding off like a big silver haired gerbil on Methamphetamines.

Maybe you still disagree. If you do, I’m willing to bet that you fall into one of two categories:
1. People who actually do want Vic Toews to beat off into a sweat sock outside of their windows, and
2. People who don’t want Vic Toews to spy on them online or beat off into a sweat sock outside of their windows.

If you’re in the first category, might I suggest a warm and thoughtfully-worded letter to Mr. Toews asking him politely to come beat off into a sweat sock outside your window. I have a sneaking suspicion he will oblige.

If you’re in the second category, then consider this: If you don’t want to get spied on by your own government for no reason at all, and without any real justification whatsoever, then maybe Stephen Harper and Vic Toews’s Conservative majority Canada isn’t the right place for you.

Maybe you should find some country where the government isn’t trying to take rights away from its citizens just because they can.

What’s that you say? That’s why you came here in the first place?

Well suck it up and move on. The dream’s over.

Maybe try Australia?

Published in Volume 66, Number 20 of The Uniter (February 22, 2012)

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