You know what I really hate about Mexicans?

I don’t mean to sound racist or prejudiced or anything like that, but the one thing I really can’t stand about Mexicans is that they’re a very diverse people, which makes it hard to make hurtful generalizations about them.

Sure, most of them speak Spanish, but what kind of stereotype is that? Sort of uninspired if you ask me. “Ha ha! They speak Spanish!” That doesn’t really cut it as far as hurtful mocking goes.

Other than the Spanish thing they’re really diverse, much like Canadians or people from Narnia. I much prefer people from an eerily homogeneous place like Iceland. I love Icelanders… or is it the Icelandese? Either way, I love them! I love them because they’re so easy to make fun of. 

Considering the entire nation of Iceland is equal to only a little less than half the population of Winnipeg, it’s not hard to understand why a lot of people don’t know much about them.

So today, I’m going to give you some super true facts about the Icelandese to hopefully give you the tools to be able to make fun of them too.

1. The first super true fact about the Icelandese is that they all have furry feet like hobbits. Every last one of them. They also live in tiny houses with round doors and say things like “eleventy-first” instead of “one-hundred and eleventh.”

2. The second true fact about the Icelandese is that no matter how hungry they get, they will never eat anything that doesn’t have fish in it. 

Everything consumed in Iceland must, by law, contain at least one 10,000 ppm (parts per million) fish. For example, a regular order at a coffee shop in Iceland might be a carppuccino or a rainbow trout buster.

3. The Icelandese get very irate if you go through their CD collection and then put the CDs back into the wrong cases.

4. Everyone from Iceland looks and sings exactly like Björk.

They are all incredibly eccentric and often wear dresses that look like huge dead swans or teddy bears or some other crazy crap.

In fact, everyone in Iceland looks, sounds and acts so much like Björk that many people still don’t know that the real Björk died in 1996.

Every single concert or public appearance that “Björk” has made since then has simply been some other Icelandese person in her place. That’s why her 1997 album was entitled Homogenic: because of the homogeneity of the Icelandese and because of their horrible grammar (what they really meant to say was Homogeneous).

5. The Icelandese have horrible grammar. That’s why they’re always spelling things with weird dots and lines över ûnder and thrøugh all of their letters; they’re trying to distract the eye away from their horrific spelling.

Now you can take your new knowledge and mercilessly make fun of the Icelandese. Tell them I sent you, and that I’m a huge fan of their newest album.

J. Williamez thinks that the members of Mötley Crüe are from Iceland.

Published in Volume 66, Number 15 of The Uniter (January 11, 2012)