From Oct. 22 until Nov. 12, we asked Uniter readers to enter our ‘Worst Boss Ever’ story contest. In 300 words or less, entrants recapped the story of the worst person they’ve ever worked for. Here are the winners.

First place

“The picture of productivity”
by Andre Crate

In my early 20s I worked in a window factory. I was a year out of high school and still deciding what my path would be. My neighbour at the time told me he had a chance-of-a-lifetime job. That ended up being the furthest thing from the truth.  My boss at the window factory had the typical short, angry, little-man syndrome.
At first, things were fine. It wasn’t until I started getting my ears stretched and my half-sleeve that it went down hill. Everyday he would go out of his way to use homophobic comments, call me a freak and ask what was wrong with me for tattooing my body. He wondered aloud what Jesus would say.

There was a breaking point and I did stand up for myself. I told him my appearance had nothing to do with my performance. While I was probably one of the best employees they had, my boss took it upon himself to appoint me the new “caretaker” of the warehouse. 

The duties he assigned me were mundane. The worst of the duties were painting concrete floors with no ventilation and no mask.  Also, counting screws and bolts for eight hours a day was also one of the duties. When I asked for better working conditions he told me that people of my kind would be so lucky to have a high-paying job like this one. 

The next day he gave me a choice: stay and paint, or quit. It took only five minutes to decide.

I now have a college education and the last I heard of that boss, he was fired—for lack or productivity.

 

Second place

“Under the chair”
by Andrew Oepkes

Editor’s Note: Apparently we didn’t specify that the stories should be true, so half of the entries ended up being fictional. Oepkes’ story is one of them.

My first summer living in the States I was lucky enough to pick up a job editing film for a popular daytime talk show. I was eager to work, but somewhat hesitant because I had lied about the bulk of my qualifications on my resume. What worried me the most about this was the host’s reputation for denouncing those who cross her live on television.
Word around the office was that within a week of every new employee being hired she would decide weather you are pulling your weight or pulling down her empire. I was doing my best to keep a stellar performance record because she also had a reputation for giving away cars to entire audiences.

Friday came faster than a burrito on a bullet train. I was both tired from working last night, ensuring my work was up to par, and gripped by the terror that today would be judgment day.

The office was buzzing, mainly because not much else goes on in offices, but also because human nature just won’t allow us to stop staring at brutal car accidents. Or place bets on how bad the new guy will get reamed…

Her car pulled up, and someone yelled: “Her car pulled up!”

The office became dead quiet. She walked in. Said nothing. Marched directly to my desk at the back. Staring me directly in the eye she said: “Andrew.” I put down my third coffee of the day and let the words tremble out: “Yes, ma’am?” A large grin spread across her face and she yelled at me: “LOOK UNDER YOUR CHAIR!”

The office staff laughed uproariously as I pulled a white envelope from the bottom of my seat. Shaking with excitement, I opened it and found a note: “Good work on the single mother montage yesterday.”

Apparently she just likes leaving things under chairs.

Contest presented by the Mouseland Press Speakers Series.

Published in Volume 64, Number 12 of The Uniter (November 19, 2009)