If you follow my blog you know that I often struggle with the notion of game playing.

The core message of modern “edgy” dating manuals is that men and women both possess treasures that the people they date want to possess, but only after going on an impossibly confusing scavenger hunt for them.

A man’s treasure is usually his heart while a woman’s is her vagina.

The attitude presented in these publications is that men only want sex, women only want love and we must trick each other into jumping through flaming hoops to make that exchange.

I’ve never subscribed to this approach to dating, but I’ve also noticed that I, and many of my more straightforward friends, remain single while “jerks” and “bitches” seem to have more success in the dating market.

The problem we “nice guys” then have is this: do we want to win people over by not being ourselves? If we do decide to let someone “chase” us, when is it safe to stop running?

Here’s the thing - I don’t want to date a jerk, and I don’t think anyone else does either. What most people want is to know that their partner is a confident, whole person who has made them a special part of their already fulfilling life.

In my experience, men and women who play games will put on a sweet front without really caring about the individual that they are pursuing.

This can easily be misinterpreted as the ideal relationship until suddenly the sweet confident person you just met drops off the face of the earth.

What I’ve found is that you don’t have to play games, but it is wise to ensure that you are reminding your object of affection (and yourself!) that you have interests outside of them.

Crushes can be thrilling and we often find ourselves wanting to rearrange our lives to accommodate that excitement. While it is perfectly acceptable to make your feelings known, it is also important to make a conscious effort to maintain your independence.

If someone calls you at the last minute inviting you to go out and you a) want to and b) have no other plans, then don’t turn down the offer to seem more alluring.

That being said, if now is not the best time then don’t bend over backwards either.

In the end, I think it’s all going to boil down to chemistry.

Maybe you can hook someone by playing games, but if you are truly interested in having a relationship, then burn your copy of Why Men Marry Bitches or The Game (yes, those are actual books).

If you like someone, tell them. If you want to have sex with someone, go for it. It’s either going to work out or it isn’t.

The only time “nice guys finish last” is when said “nice guy” is clingy or co-dependent.

As someone who has been over-eager with crushes in the past, I can’t say it was a nice experience for either of us.

Melanie Dahling hates games, but likely won’t shoot down an invitation to a rousing Boggle tournament. Have a question about relationships you’d like her to address in a future column? Email it to [email protected] with “Open Relationship” in the subject line.

Published in Volume 66, Number 8 of The Uniter (October 19, 2011)