Why?

Repeated van break-ins cause contributor to question humanity’s worth, especially in Osborne Village

This is an open letter to the person or persons who keep breaking into my van - well, “breaking in” may not be the most accurate way of describing it, since I leave my doors open. But I’ll come back to that.

You. Yeah, you: scumbag. Stop it already.

What kind of a person breaks into a vehicle and takes things that aren’t theirs? What’s your deal, man: greed? Desperation? Lack of moral fibre? Or just straight disrespect for other people?

Whatever it is, there’s an abundance of it in Osborne Village, where me and my poor van reside.

Let me make this abundantly clear: there is nothing of any value inside my van.

You’d have better luck finding something valuable in one of the dumpsters that line my back alley (but then again that’s really more of an early morning profession, and you seem more accustomed to lurking under the cover of night).

What about my van screams “valuables inside”?

It’s a 1992 Ford Econoline. It’s covered in rust from many winters of use that have also seized the side doors shut. The two back doors don’t open because the handle has been broken off and the front windshield has a spider-like crack creeping across it.

It was the theft of my stereo a couple years back that set this whole thing into motion.

I was different back then. I smiled more. I even locked my doors; I trusted that I could leave the things I wanted to in my vehicle and they would be there the next day, waiting for me.

But that all changed.

In my mind I can still see the empty hole where my stereo once was, wires hanging out across the dashboard like entrails from my wounded van.

They got in through the passenger door, breaking the lock in the process. They even left the screwdriver they used behind, on the floor.

But maybe I was asking for it. After all, I did leave the faceplate on.

Change, CDs, cigarette packs (empty or not): these are all invitations for these sick bastards to come right in and take something for themselves.

Someone stole a $10 pair of gas station sunglasses from the van once, breaking the driver’s side lock to get the beauties.

Did I mention that my interior light has burnt out from crooks leaving doors open?

That’s why I didn’t see that the prick who broke into the van last week left the passenger door slightly ajar. I realized it wasn’t latched when I made a left turn into traffic and the door swung wide open.

There have been more break-ins, but I don’t need to describe them all. Really, the one thing that hasn’t happened yet - and I’m getting more worried about this as winter approaches - is my finding someone asleep in there when I open the door in the morning.

I’m sure some of you reading this are laughing at my misfortune, and that’s fine. I can see the humour in my futile situation.

Some of you, possibly even the perpetrators I’m writing about, will yell, “You can keep people out of your van by locking the doors, jackass!”

Well, smart guy, you haven’t been paying attention have you?

If I lock the doors, or even if one of these mindless criminals happens to hit the electronic lock on the way out, I will be stuck out of my own van. This is the cruel irony of my story.

If I could get one thing out of writing this, I would want these people in question to stop breaking into my van and respect other people’s possessions.

But if I could be greedy and get two things out of writing this, the second would be to find the asshole who stole my bike.

Matthew Powers is a local musician and general scoundrel. Kicking him in the shins will bring you good luck.

Published in Volume 66, Number 9 of The Uniter (October 26, 2011)

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