When you’re here, you’re family

Or not - take a guided tour of Winnipeg with Uncle Jared

Kevin Legge

“Winnipeg is boring.”
– Some boring person

By Burton’s moustache, I’m going to punch the next person that suggests this city sucks. Winnipeg doesn’t suck. You suck.

How could you be bored in the ‘Peg? If you stop moving you’ll a) freeze b) get eaten by mosquitoes or c) be the next contribution to our Murder Capital crown. Randy Bachman, Monty Hall, Guy Maddin, these people all realized this city is literally trying to kill its citizens and they decided to make the best of it.

For every pothole complaining ‘Pegger, there’s another person making the best of it. Because of the latter group, there’s no shortage of things to do in Winnipeg.

Yet every year, the former jet to Mexico to stay in some all-inclusive resort in Mexico, see absolutely none of Mexico and then come home raving about Mexico.

Why not get some real culture and spend your next vacation right here in Winnipeg? Guaranteed you could find lots of new things to do inside the city and outside whatever neighbourhood bubble you live in.

You don’t even have to spend money, just get a little creative. Here are a few things you could do:

  • Winnipeg is full of old character buildings. Break into one.
  • Go to Costco with a glass of wine and go from free sample lady to free sample lady like they’re serving hors d’ouevres at a party. Say things like “Party of the year”, “Look at all the people here”, “Do you come here often?” and “I totally got carded at the door. So flattering.”
  • I’ve heard people say “Winnipeg is a dump”, but have you ever actually gone to the dump? It’s pretty cool.
  • Check out Osborne Village for some fabulous local eateries, such as Burger King, A&W and if you’re feeling adventurous, Subway.
  • With its many cultures, Winnipeg has a great variety of ethnic restaurants. For some real diversity, check out the food court at St. Vital Centre.
  • Visit a certain back room of a certain downtown store. Said certain back room is rumoured to contain a certain hole where you can put a certain body part and some uncertain person will certainly do uncertain things to it.
  • Everyone talks about the North End, but no one besides North Enders actually sets foot there. Why not take a walk around the neighbourhood. Go during the day though. It’s really dangerous!
  • Main Street is home to some excellent shopping. Check out the world’s only walk-in pawn clinic/vendor.
  • Winnipeg has a vibrant arts scene. Find a piece for your collection at Pictures-Frames & More.
  • The ‘Peg has some of the best dance companies in the world. Have you ever been to Teasers?
  • For some world-class golfing, check out U-Puttz.
  • Winnipeg is all about the summer festivals. Check out Winnipeg’s best summer festival, Cyclovia. Have you got your tickets yet?

Jared Story is a journalist and stand-up comedian. Yes, it’s a pen name. His real name is Dave, Dave Story. Follow him on Twitter at @jrockarolla.

Part of the series: The Urban Issue 2014

Published in Volume 68, Number 25 of The Uniter (March 27, 2014)

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