If you’re someone who follows my blog or that guy who looks over my shoulder on the bus while I text, you know that I am now seeing someone.
It’s been a lot of fun so far and I’m enjoying my relationship almost as much as my enemies are relishing the thought of throwing this article in my face if we break up in some horrendous way.
My current beau and I were friends first, and now that we’re together I wanted to give some advice to all the fellas out there who are trying to sweep some girl off her feet.
The more I thought about it I realized that what brought us together was not some magic formula, and it wouldn’t work on anyone else if it were.
So here it is, dear reader - advice you won’t be able to use if you’re trying to date anyone but me.
I guess since I’m “off the market” now, you won’t really be able to use it on anyone.
Well, here it is anyway. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Get in her “friend zone”
Stay there for almost two years.
Do a lot of really nice gentlemanly things for her while simultaneously being a shoulder to cry on when she complains about whatever emotionally unavailable guy she’s been obsessing over that week.
You’ll get barely intelligible calls in the middle of the night where she’ll basically sob at you for say, 45 minutes.
Take every one of those calls, then give her really great advice that she probably won’t follow, which will start the process over again.
Have frequent and graphic conversations about poop
... or any bodily function, really.
You should be comfortable enough with each other to discuss your most disgusting and disturbing habits at length.
Take her to Denny’s
Not just once.
Go to Denny’s so much that you know all the employees’ names.
Not only that, but they should know exactly what to prepare for you upon arrival.
It should get to the point where if you don’t go for a couple of weeks, it is a legitimate cause for concern amongst the Denny’s staff.
Play laser tag
Go to a warehouse with mostly dudes and spend Saturday nights pointing cartoonish guns at each other, taking the odd break to drink grape Fanta and play Tetris.
If you’re going for bonus points, go back to your place and fall asleep chastely on the couch after watching hours’ worth of Astro Boy DVDs.
I wrote this for a bit of a laugh, but also to arrive at this point: there are no “rules” to follow in the dating world.
It’s confusing and if you spend too much time trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t, your brain will start to drip out of your nose.
Be the most honest version of yourself that you can be, tell people the truth and try not to treat anyone like shit.
Somewhere down the line, someone cool is going to notice.
Have a question about relationships you would like Melanie to address in a future column? Email it to firstname.lastname@example.org with “Open Relationship” in the subject line. Visit www.melaniedahling.wordpress.com.
Published in Volume 66, Number 19 of The Uniter (February 8, 2012)