The following is a public service announcement on behalf of all of us here at J. Williamez Inc.:

Do you make many of the important decisions in your life based on vibes and energies? Do you often go weeks without bathing or wearing socks?

Do you ever start emotional and politically driven speeches, but forget what you’re talking about after around 15 minutes of complete non-sequitur?

Have you ever been in a situation where you found yourself faced with a choice between marijuana and granola, and you couldn’t decide?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you might be a Hippie. Do not be alarmed however as you are not alone. Moreover, there are treatments available which can help to suppress the symptoms of Hippyism. Sadly however, researchers have yet to discover a cure.

Hippyism is much more common and pervasive than most people think. In North America, nearly 30 per cent of the population is affected by some form of the disease (this number jumps to a staggering 65 per cent if we are to include Mexico). Hippyism affects mainly young individuals in and around beaches and universities and, left untreated, can lead to severe cases of burn-out or in some cases, ‘really harsh vibes’ (characterized by dizziness, confusion and a heightened propensity to say “Aw man!”). Left to its own devices, Hippyism will kill you and everyone you love, so it is up to all of us to eradicate this horrible disorder.

The first step towards a Hippie-free society is quarantine. We must take those who are infected, and put them somewhere where they can receive the treatment they deserve without endangering others. It should also be somewhere the non-infected citizens (who will obviously need to be relocated) will not miss. Somewhere like Regina.

After all the known Hippies are sent to Regina, we must take the necessary steps to protect ourselves against another dangerous outbreak.

Here are some simple ways to Hippie-proof your home and protect your family:

1. Never leave food or marijuana cigarettes unattended in your home. Hippies can smell free food or pot from a distance of more than 600 kilometers. After a Hippie has smelled your food or your pot, the only thing between you and an unwanted Hippie is whether or not he can bum a ride that far.

2. Do not leave big comfy blankets on the couch in your basement, as Hippies are attracted to warm places to sleep for free. Also, if you insist on having a guest room in your home, for god’s sake, keep some boxes full of old books on the bed when it’s not in use, so some Hippies don’t sneak in through the floor boards and start a nest.

3. NEVER KEEP GRANOLA IN YOUR HOME. If you must have granola in your diet, store it in your shed or garage and keep it wrapped in IBM stocks (which are sure to repel even the hungriest Hippie).

4. Finally, last — but by no means least — Ladies: Do not mate with a Hippie. Remember this simple rule: No shoes; no shirt; no cervix. Hippies will spew garbage about free love and breaking taboos, but do not be fooled: they are simply trying to spread their filthy genes, in order to create little hippies to fill their filthy jeans.

J. Williamez is a local musician and you can see him play at Shannon’s Irish Pub every Monday. Please leave your Hippy friends at home.

Published in Volume 63, Number 17 of The Uniter (January 22, 2009)