I am so sick of hearing about the “debate” between evolution and “intelligent design,” as if those are the only two possible options to explain how we as humans ended up the way we are.

It saddens me that people have become so closed-minded as to completely ignore a third and completely viable explanation: Unintelligent design.

Think about it. If our design is so intelligent, then why do we have such glaring inadequacies in the way we are made?

Right about now, you might be thinking to yourself: “What the shit is this guy talking about? We humans are perfect and there are no possible improvements that could ever be made on the way we are made!”

I guess, for you, the first improvement that should spring to mind is to have a better imagination!

Here are some other improvements that I think could (and should!) be made on us, before we can correctly call our design intelligent.

Eyes on our hands

Anyone who has ever been in a gun fight knows what a drag it can be to have to look around corners (exposing your very vulnerable head, which contains your big mushy brain) in order to see if the coast is clear to pursue your rival. Having auxiliary eyes on our hands would alleviate this problem completely.

The ability to smell information

Imagine being able to smell information out of books instead of having to read them. Wouldn’t that be cool?

Skin pockets

Think about how much it sucks having to leave your wallet and your keys in your shoe when you go swimming at the beach. Now imagine how awesome it would be to have waterproof pockets built right into your skin!

Are you starting to get the picture? How can we be dumb enough to call anything “intelligent design” when it’s made such glaring omissions as to leave out edible poo, built-in Brita filters, tiger-invincibility, bad breath that smells delicious, iPhone chargers and universal Disco dancing abilities?

All of the above minor improvements would obviously make us better, but those are just a few ideas off the top of my head!

Any deity with even half a head on Her shoulders could come up with countless improvements on the human form that would make us infinitely better, and therefore would make our design infinitely more intelligent.

I think the most important characteristic which is not currently possessed by many humans, and which proves that our current design is anything even close to resembling “intelligent,” is the ability to admit it when a book we really like is wrong about something.

So maybe let’s start there.

J. Williamez can’t wait for skin pockets.

Published in Volume 66, Number 18 of The Uniter (February 1, 2012)