This week, I’d like to address a subject that might prove somewhat dicey or contentious, given the medium I’m choosing to express it. The subject is the complete bias and corruption of the media.

Everybody knows about it, and some people like me whine about it all the time, but the truth is that we as a culture are being lied to every single day and we’re slurping it up in big, gelatinous globs.

We’re told what to eat, what to drink, what to buy, what to wear, who to fuck, who to fight, who to vote for, who to pray for – and all of it is complete bullshit.

The media is absolutely and completely corrupt, and those in it lie to you with every breath.

I’ll even prove it.

I saw the show Glee recently, and it was surprisingly good. I was delighted to find that I really like the concept and the fun feel of the show, and I find it really hard not to connect with and relate to the characters. It’s a smash hit in my books.

See? Did you read what I just wrote? It was the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever read!

If bullshit like this can appear in a newspaper, then it stands to reason that everything in every newspaper is bullshit, too.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow. What a horrible argument.” Well you’re right – it was a terrible argument. Just keep in mind where you read it; point proven.

Newspapers, television stations and blogs are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to deceit and corruption in the media.

One of the most insidious and misleading forms of media is the medium of interpretive dance. This has been trouble since that first group of people rented out a church hall, put on full-body leotards and began to wave their arms like they were trees.

It’s a simple fact of nature that interpretive dance classes are a filthy breeding ground for mimes and mime-related behaviour.

Some people just can’t help themselves from making the transition from waving their arms like a tree to pretending to pull people around with an invisible rope.
Another dangerously corrupt form of media is clay sculpture.

Clay sculptures may look like horses or goblins or naked ladies, but nine times out of ten, they are not actually the things they look like and are, in fact, just clay.
The final and most corrupt medium of all, however, is a Tim Hortons medium.

How the hell do they get away with calling that a medium? That’s the smallest container anyone has ever placed coffee into. Except of course for their small, which I doubt even holds enough coffee for a newborn infant.

Not that I would feed coffee to a newborn infant. You have to start them out on beer.

If this article seems grossly incoherent or mildly offensive, you should have read it before it was edited.

Published in Volume 65, Number 13 of The Uniter (November 25, 2010)