With the TEDxManitoba event coming up on Feb. 15, there are a lot of powerful ideas waiting to be unleashed into the intellectual culture of Winnipeg.
But it’s important not to get too caught up in the buzz of knowledge and remember that there are some talks that would not be worthy of TED. Ever. Hopefully.

George W. Bush
“Quantum Physics… and Terrorists”

Even if he somehow managed to explain the theory of quantum physics accurately, the number of words he made up in the process would lower the IQ of the TED audience significantly after hearing his speech. After explaining quantum theory, Bush would probably segue into how subatomic particalities, angular momentumonium and wave-functionalation can aid fellow Americans in defeating terrorism and the axis of evil. But of course, his main question would be: “Is our children learning?”

Axl Rose
“Time Travel is Possible and I Have Proof”

Axl’s gotten a lot of flak for taking over a decade to complete his last album, but a TED talk would provide him with the opportunity to tell everyone why it took so damn long: he was time traveling. You see, when Axl first began recording the album it was because he had traveled into the future when China has a democracy and he began writing his album there. The problem arose when Axl neglected to account for the time difference. He thinks he was only in the future for six months, and he swears that cornrows are the new hair trend for the future; he’s just ahead of the times.

Bristol Palin
“Environmentally Friendly Diapers”

Little Palin can’t act, can’t dance and can’t keep her pants on, but she loves advocating for things that make her look hypocritical, so a TED talk would be perfect for her. As a mother, Bristol wants to make the world a better place for all future children, because they are, like, awesome, making her the perfect spokesperson for reusable diapers. Of course, all the good she’d be doing for the world by getting other teenage mothers to use environmentally friendly diapers would be negated by her gun-totin’ maverick of a mother.

David Attenborough
“Bedtime Stories to Soothe You”

David Attenborough, the British guy who narrates all those natural history and nature shows for the BBC, would probably give an absolutely fascinating TED talk. The knowledge he’s gained throughout his career has surely sparked many ideas that could impact the world. But the problem is his voice: it’s so damn soothing! That stoic and gentle British accent would knock the audience into a peaceful slumber so fast that no one would get to hear his ideas. His voice mimics the monotonous tranquility of waves crashing against the shore. He would make millions with a bedtime story series.

John Travolta
“Summer Lovin’ and Scientology”

There’s no doubt that Travolta would give an entertaining TED talk. He would woo the audience with a remix of Greased Lightning, strutting around the stage in a T-Birds jacket, singing, “Scientology, go Scientology!” after which he would ask audience members for exorbitant amounts of money and then demand that everyone destroy their Advil. Still dazed from the glittering spectacle of his performance, audience members would comply, ending the TED conference with a total conversion to the Church of Scientology. Damn you John, damn you and your joyous yet persuasive musical.

Published in Volume 65, Number 19 of The Uniter (February 10, 2011)