Hey Gang, J. Williamez here, with yet another installment of Good and Evil. In sticking with my theme, I’d like to talk to you all today about something which is both good and evil: employment.

For the past three years I’ve had it pretty easy when it comes to how I earn money to live. I’ve made a living (meager though it may have been) by playing dirty music once or twice a week. Due to the fact that I’ll be returning to school next year, however, my dirty music will no longer be enough to pay the bills. Therefore I have recently come to the decision that, in the next few weeks, I am actually going to have to get off my lazy ass and get myself a job.

As I stated earlier, I believe that jobs in general are both inherently good and evil. Having gainful employment is good because it is a great way to earn money to buy important things like flat screen TVs, luxury automobiles and of course high-end designer drugs. On the other hand, having a job is also very evil because it limits the amount of time one has to watch TV, drive around in nice cars and of course, to use high-end designer drugs.

“ People work their entire adult lives until, when they are finally able to stop and enjoy themselves, they are so old that they poop themselves constantly and have no idea where they are.

Some have tried to reconcile the advantages and disadvantages of employment by working incredibly hard for most of their lives until they have saved enough money so that they are finally able to stop working forever, or “retire” from the work force. This has always struck me as insane. These people work their entire adult lives until, when they are finally able to stop and enjoy themselves, they are so old that they poop themselves constantly and have no idea where they are. This makes no sense to me. If I can choose a period in my life in which to enjoy myself and not work, then I choose now.

That’s why I’d like to introduce a new concept to you all today, which can give you the freedom to tell your little prick of a boss to take his crappy job and shove it right up his anus (for a while anyway). This concept is called “pretirement.” It’s almost just like retirement, but with a twist: instead of working your entire life, just so you can enjoy your so-called “Golden Years” (which I can only assume are so named because of the golden brown surprise that shows up every night in your adult diaper), you can enjoy a time in your life when you almost never poop in your pants: right now!

It is this fabulous concept of pretirement upon which I plan to base my new company, which will be called “Freedom 25.” The goal of this company will be to offer people the option of taking their pretirement early in life and then selling themselves into old-age slavery. Trust me – it won’t be that bad. Chances are, by the time you actually have to work, you won’t even know where you are or what you are doing. And after all, why work at a job you hate while you can still hold in your poop?

You can find J. Williamez playing his dirty music every Monday at Shannon’s Irish Pub. At least, for now.

Published in Volume 63, Number 18 of The Uniter (January 29, 2009)