“You’re pretty, smart and funny. You’ve been really sweet to me and we have great chemistry. I like you a lot and spending time with you feels natural.”

A lot of girls get a ring after a guy says something like that to them, but I usually get dumped.

Any number of my past lovers could be reading this thinking I am talking about them, but it’s pretty standard. I can say without hesitation that I am a cool girlfriend, but for whatever reason men seem to like me better in theory than practice.

In elementary school I was the kind of girl who had long pretty hair and wore cute dresses but also didn’t mind rolling around in the dirt or playing with bugs.

Back in those days boys knew a good thing when they had it.

I won a schoolyard beauty contest, I was routinely treated to jewelry from the treasure chest at Red Lobster, and I even got married in Grade 1.

It was a small ceremony with a reception on the play structure followed by a date where we watched Drop Dead Fred and drank Orange Crush.

We mutually decided to divorce about a week later and unfortunately, nothing’s been as simple since.

I used to figure it was just that guys my age were freaked out by the fact that I was easy to be with, and if I am easy to be with, that means they have no reason to dump me.

If they have no reason to dump me, we are practically already fighting over something mundane in our tasteful bungalow while Timmy runs around with the dog out back.

Now that I’ve been having the same experience with different guys for over a decade (there was a bit of a slump after my first marriage), I figured it was time to examine my part in all of this.

I was watching 500 Days of Summer for maybe the 10th time the other day when I had something of an epiphany.

The protagonists I identify with are all hopeless romantics who spend an entire narrative fighting for someone emotionally unavailable. I have always seen myself as the knight in shining armour and rarely let myself relax and grow my hair out in some tower.

Did I create an archetype for myself, and why this one?

We’ve all known “tower girls” who don’t seem all that special, so who cast us in our roles and how do we break free?

I’ve been told to “think positive” and I am trying not to be jaded.

I mean, I am sure that any moment now some Johnny is going to burst in with a boombox over his head saying that I’m “everything he never knew he always wanted” and I’ll be all “you had me at hello,” but until then I think Orange Crush for one sounds infinitely less exhausting.

Any questions, concerns or marriage proposals can be directed at [email protected] with “Open Relationship” in the subject line.

Published in Volume 66, Number 10 of The Uniter (November 2, 2011)