Hey everybody, I’m back again with some good and evil for you all.

This week I want to talk about something very dangerous that affects us all, but that very few people actually know about. I’m talking of course about houseplants and the clear and very real danger they pose to those who choose to harbour them.
In the past 20 years, houseplants have been responsible for at least 80 per cent of deaths in North America, yet few people are even aware that they pose any danger at all.

This is because the media in North America is completely controlled by the Evil Houseplant Lobby. Any news story that has anything at all to do with the nefariousness of houseplants is immediately suppressed by the powers that be, only to be replaced by something about Grizzly Bear attacks or the economy. This is why no one knows how serious this problem is. Even as I write these words, I am almost certain that they will be censored and changed because of the insane stranglehold that houseplants have on what we see and read every day.

On the off chance, however that the brave editors of this wonderful publication actually have the stones to publish these words of warning, I want to tell you all how to avoid the danger that is thrust upon us all by these seemingly innocuous organisms with whom many of us have cohabitated for years.

“ It is prudent to make sure that what you are eating is in fact a tomato and not simply a roofy which has been painted to look like a tomato.

Tip #1: If you ever see one of your houseplants holding a weapon of any kind, get out of the house and call the appropriate authorities immediately.

Most houseplant-related crime is completely avoidable. Houseplants can only move inches a day, so if one has a knife, the best way not to get stabbed is to avoid standing motionless beside it for hours at a time.

Tip #2: If you are in a dark alley and a houseplant pulls up to you in a navy blue van with a tear drop window and asks for directions and then when you give it directions it says, “I can’t hear you, you’ll have to get into the back of my van,” don’t get into the van.

This is a common ruse that houseplants use to lure their victims into a vulnerable spot. Don’t fall for it. When in doubt, just yell the directions louder and run like the dickens.

Tip #3: If you are at a bar and you leave your drink unattended to go to the bathroom, and then come back and see a suspicious houseplant standing over it looking guilty while laughing maniacally, have your friend test your drink before you finish it. (Also try to use the friends that you like the least to do the testing.)

Many houseplants will attempt to cause you harm by rendering you into an immobile state by luring you into their van to feed to roofies. As a rule, never eat anything that is offered to you by a houseplant unless it is a tomato. Even in the case of a tomato, it is prudent to make sure that what you are eating is in fact a tomato and not simply a roofy which has been painted to look like a tomato.

You are now all equipped to survive a houseplant attack. Please help other humans by passing on these words of warning…

J. Williamez plays every Monday night at Shannon’s Irish Pub – don’t forget to ask him about his views on bedding plants.

Published in Volume 63, Number 29 of The Uniter (July 16, 2009)