Just for you: A universal conversation topic

Hi Gang. This week, I’d like to do you all a huge favour; not because I’m especially fond of any of you, but because I like the thought of you all owing me a huge favour (and you can never have too many people to help you move).

Today I’m going to teach you all an important skill that will help make your lives more interesting and will make you friendlier and better adjusted people. The skill I’m talking about is relating to strangers.

In order to effectively relate to strangers, it is important to choose a topic of conversation that you can be sure you and the stranger have in common. Some choose the weather as just such a topic, while others tend to rely on sports. These topics, while popular, have proven to be somewhat problematic. Not everyone is interested in sports, and those who talk about the weather too much tend to be my grandfather. So to avoid alienating non-sports fans or being my grandfather we must choose a new topic of conversation that is both universal and non-grandfather-forming. Well I’ve come up with just such a topic: poop.

Everyone poops. This is a fact. There is even a popular children’s book called Everyone Poops, so it must be true. Since everyone poops, then it follows that no matter who you are talking to, you are sure to have this in common. There is no fear of alienating someone by talking about pooping only to find out that they are not a pooper. There is also no fear of becoming my grandfather, because he generally is far too busy talking about the weather to engage in conversation about pooping. (Although, admittedly, he once told me about a drought, that I’m half convinced was a metaphor for constipation.)

Anyway, in order to fully prepare you all to speak to strangers about your poop, I have compiled a list of some of my favourite different kinds of poop that should prove to be very fun to talk about:

1. The Soft Serve

The Soft Serve is the type of poop that comes out smooth and coils in the bowl (and which reminds me of the end of the all-you-can-eat buffet my dad took me to as a kid.)

2. The Phantom

The Phantom is the kind of poop that disappears down the toilet before you get a look at it. These can be scary.

3. The Avant-Garde

The Avant-Garde is the kind of poop that has distinct visual characteristics due to previous ingestion of specific substances like corn, blueberries or condoms full of drugs. These tend to be very pretty.

4. The Catch Twenty-Poo

The Catch Twenty-Poo is the type of poop that comes out like a slick little torpedo, and leaves the anus clean, with no need of wiping. Its name comes from the fact that, although it creates no need of wiping, one never knows that there is no need of wiping until one actually wipes one’s anus.

5. The Combination

There are also combination poops, which belong to two or more of the above categories. (I once had a Phantom Catch Twenty-Poo that had me doubting my sanity for weeks.)

With these new conversational tools, you should all have enough inane stranger-conversation to last a lifetime.

J. Williamez is a local musician. Catch him every Monday at Shannon’s Irish Pub for more of his wisdom.

Published in Volume 63, Number 20 of The Uniter (February 12, 2009)

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