Well, here we are Gang; it’s already the last issue of the school year. Pretty soon most of you will be done classes and up to your elbows in meth and hookers. That’s why I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss morality one last time – before you all slip into a warm, comfortable summer bender (which I sometimes like to call my “summer high-bernation”.)

So this week, I’ll be discussing something that affects many people around us and is one of the biggest and most widely argued moral issues we currently face: Abortion.

A lady came up to me the other day on crutches, as I was waiting for a bus at Portage and Arlington at about one in the morning. Without even saying ‘hello,’ she asked me what I thought about abortion. I thought for a second and then said; “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.” This seemed to convince her, though as I watched her face melt from concern and confusion to a determined resolve, I couldn’t help but wonder how that could have convinced anyone. Did I mention she was super drunk? Well she was.

Anyway, this conversation got me to thinking about abortion, a subject that I used to think about a lot and which happens to affect me very personally.

A lot of people who know me, and how liberal some of my views can be, assume automatically that I am pro-choice when it comes to the issue of the legality of abortion. These people couldn’t be more wrong.

What not many people know is that I am adopted and could potentially have been the victim of an abortion myself. If my birth mother had chosen differently, i.e. to have me aborted, I would not be sitting in my basement apartment writing these words right now. That is one of the reasons that I cannot bring myself to be pro-choice.

After considering my options, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only reasonable position for me to hold on the issue of abortion is pro-abortion. In other words, I believe that abortions should be mandatory for everyone. If it hadn’t been for my birth mother’s choice (to not have an abortion) none of you would be subjected to the image of a small child milking a pregnant monkey while a walrus masturbates himself on a rock just behind them. Now couldn’t you all have done without that awful image? If your answer is yes, then you might be pro-abortion too.

There are more reasons than that to be pro-abortion. We can also use the process of elimination to select it as the best logical viewpoint.

Firstly, pro-life: those are the people who shoot doctors for disagreeing with them right? Enough said.

Secondly, pro-choice: how can they call themselves pro-choice if they plan on forcing everyone to have a choice? I don’t hear any pro-choice proponents telling people that they can choose whether or not to have a choice, do you?

That leaves us with my final conclusion: pro-abortion is the way to go. If you don’t agree because you think mandatory abortion is a bad thing, don’t worry: pro-abortion has a solution for that too. With enough years of mandatory abortion, there will be no one left to perform (or to have) those evil abortions that you hate so much.

Game, set, match: Williamez.

J. Williamez is a local musician. You can catch him every Monday at Shannon’s Irish Pub where nothing is off-limits.

Published in Volume 63, Number 26 of The Uniter (April 2, 2009)