I’ve decided that I’ve been a lazy, good-for-nothing parasite, leeching off of the belly of our society for long enough. It’s finally time for me to give something back. This week, I’d like to pay my debt to society by telling you about a miracle invention that changed my life.
It’s called the Bean Boggler™, and it does exactly what it sounds like it does. It boggles your beans.
Does this ever happen to you? You’re hosting a fancy dinner party that starts in 20 minutes, and you find yourself completely surrounded by beans, with no way to boggle them.
What will you do? You know that since you’ve invited such refined and cultured guests, the kind found in Winnipeg’s upper crust, they will surely be able to tell that the beans they’re being served haven’t been boggled. Imagine the embarrassment!
Well, don’t throw in the towel and go back to the upper middle class! You can still impress all those upper crustians! The Bean Boggler™ can boggle all those beans and more!
That way, you can be sure that your guests will be telling witty anecdotes and making plans to play tennis through a mouthful of beans.
The Bean Boggler™ is only $29.95, but you have to order now while supplies last. It comes in two colours – white and dark white – so you can customize it to fit your modern lifestyle.
There are some cautions associated with the Bean Boggler™:
•Be sure to keep the Bean Boggler™ away from small children when not in use.
•If the Bean Boggler™ begins to emit smoke, discontinue use.
•Do not use the Bean Boggler™ to boggle anything but beans. Misuse of the Bean Boggler™ can result in serious injury. If you have accidentally ingested something boggled that wasn’t a bean, consult a physician immediately.
•In the case of the accidental boggling of a child or pet, call a priest and put tarps over the furniture.
•Do not get drunk at a party and insert your testicles into the Bean Boggler™ and say, “Hey guys, look! I’m boggling my beans! I’m boggling my beans!” The Bean Boggler™ is not responsible for any scarring or disfiguration of the testicles, (except in cases of product malfunction).
•Remember to always unplug your Bean Boggler™ before bathing with it.
•Boggled beans have been proven to cause sluggishness in the elderly, mild grumpiness in children and eight types of cancer.
•The use of narcotics greatly enhances the bean boggling experience, especially hallucinogens, so try to use drugs like “magic” mushrooms or “LSD” as much as possible when using the Bean Boggler™.
•The Bean Boggler™ has been proven in clinical studies to be 100% effective when used as contraception.
J. Williamez knows that if journalism or music don’t pan out, he has a future in infomercials for products that don’t exist.
Published in Volume 65, Number 11 of The Uniter (November 11, 2010)