How awesome would it be to remember everything?

As I get older, I find it harder and harder to remember crap.

Growing up, I always assumed that when old people said their memories weren’t what they used to be it just meant that they were stupid and weak.

I knew that could never happen to me; my mind would always be an indestructible fortress of information retention.

Now, however, as my memory starts to slowly fade, I find myself actually wondering if I even did think that stuff when I was growing up.

Nowadays, I can rarely remember what I had for breakfast on any given day, or what colour gotch I’m wearing. Even as I write this I had to check, because I had no clue (they’re grey, by the way - boxer briefs).

The reason this has sort of got me in a mini-tizzy is that I’ve gotten up to some pretty awesome shit in my life so far, and it would be a shame if my aging brain were to flush those memories away like so many stinky little turds, down the skid-marked bowl of oblivion.

Although, now that I really think about this, most of my best memories are forgotten by the next morning because I am such a raging alcoholic.

Take this past weekend, for example.

I had the best time ever! I think. I don’t remember anything I did or anyone I spoke to, but I woke up Sunday morning with a real sense of accomplishment. I mean, I could really tell that I had an epic weekend. I’m sure it was amazing!

This kind of stuff makes me wish that someone would invent a pill that made you remember everything that happens, no matter how shit-faced you get.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t outside the realm of pharmaceutical possibilities. I mean, come on - if they can give boners to seniors or make people in their 20s suck on soothers, they can certainly find a way to make drunken memories stick.

I even heard recently that Russian scientists have developed a pill to be taken in conjunction with alcohol that makes you drunker for longer (funny, I thought they already had that and that it was called “any pill”).

If these crazy Russians (and of course they would be Russians) can invent a pill that makes you drunker, then hopefully one day soon someone will invent a pill that lets us all remember our drunken exploits as clearly as if we’d done all that crazy stuff while stone sober, during church on a Sunday morning.

I think the only thing standing in the way of what would probably be the most amazing pharmaceutical invention since sliced bread (which, strictly speaking wasn’t so much a pharmaceutical invention at all), would have to be the big alcohol companies.

This is because if we could remember even half the shit we did while drunk, none of us would ever drink again.


Published in Volume 66, Number 13 of The Uniter (November 23, 2011)

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