For some reason, I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails recently, all asking me the same question.

So, I’d like to address this question and put it to rest so I can spend less time reading e-mails and more time complaining about the fact that no one e-mails me.

The question that so many people have been asking me is this: Why is Harry Potter so popular?

Let me start by saying that I’m not entirely sure why so many people are asking me this question. I’m certainly no expert on the subject, but I’ll certainly take my best stab at answering it.

I think one of the main reasons that the Harry Potter books and films have enjoyed such immense success and popularity is that, for whatever reason, people tend to like douchey things.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t mean to imply that the Harry Potter books and films are douchey. I mean to flat-out, explicitly say that they are douchey; that douchiness is incorporated into every aspect of the stories.

Take setting for example. It’s very difficult to imagine a setting more douchey than a finishing school for wizards, where students take classes in subjects like “Broom Ridership” and “Spell Casting.” This kind of pure douchery is no accident. J.K. Rowling worked diligently to achieve the ultimate douchey setting for her douchey characters and their douchey adventures. This brings me to the next element: characters.

The characters in the Harry Potter series are insanely douchey, each in their own way.

Take Harry himself. We’re supposed to just accept a dorky little protagonist who wears glasses? Everyone knows that heroes don’t wear glasses. Did Kevin Bacon wear glasses in Footloose? No. Did Garfield wear glasses in A Tale of Two Kitties? No. Did Superman wear glasses? Well, admittedly yes, but only when he was trying to make people think he was a douche.

Finally, no really douchey book or film would be complete without a really douchey plot. The Harry Potter series has this in spades.

The plots in the series are always based around some problem that for some reason only Potter can solve. This is pretty common in this type of fiction.

The real douchiness occurs when we examine how these problems are solved. In my mind, the scene that sums up my point best is the one where Potter and his two douchey friends are forced to play a real-life game of chess to gain access to some chamber or something.

Each character ends up riding one of the pieces on the board until the game is won. How the hell can anyone take this shit seriously?

Maybe the reason that the Harry Potter series has become so popular is that it’s like a dog with a big tumour on its butt hole. It’s horrible, but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t look away.

J. Williamez will also reply to e-mails about things that matter, like fan mail. Check him out at Shannon’s Irish Pub every Wednesday night.

Published in Volume 64, Number 14 of The Uniter (December 3, 2009)