Ever since Al Gore started whining like a little bitch, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the best way for us to get around without clogging up the atmosphere with carbon emissions or clogging up the streets with horse poo.

I’ve recently come to a very definitive solution to our current transportation problem: diversification. Because there are so many reasons to look for alternate modes of transportation, it only stands to reason that there would be just as many solutions to our current problem.

I have therefore compiled a list of reasons why people are seeking alternate modes of transportation, each having its own unique solution.

Safety:

Many people believe that current ways of getting around are too dangerous. According to the World Health Organization, over one million people die worldwide every year due to automobile accidents alone, so it’s understandable that some people would want to find a safer way to travel.

To these people, I offer the following suggestion: zeppelins. It’s a widely known fact that no one in history has ever been killed or injured while riding in a zeppelin. They are the safest way to transport people, or as some would say, “humanity.”

Another great option for the safety-conscious traveller is huge ships driven by drunks late at night in iceberg-infested waters.

Traffic:

Some people want to seek out new ways of getting around because of the horrible congestion we often experience on our streets and freeways (not that anyone in Winnipeg was ever forward-looking enough to think of building freeways).

My solution for traffic-minded people: Hot air balloons. If everyone were to climb into huge, one-seat hot air balloons instead of cars, bikes and motorcycles, the roads would be virtually deserted. This would eliminate commute times almost completely so we could spend more time enjoying a nice day in the park under a sky which is almost entirely blocked out by millions of hot air balloons.

Getting around just looks too cool:

Some people are concerned that current modes of transportation just look too cool. To these people, I would suggest either a unicycle or a Segway, both of which are very effective at making their passengers look like complete douchebags. If anyone has ever gotten laid by riding around on a Segway, it was most probably with someone who rides a unicycle.

Environmental concerns:

Many people, including that whiny bitch Al Gore, believe that current modes of transportation are very destructive to the Earth’s delicate atmosphere. Therefore, we should seek out more environmentally friendly and sustainable modes of transportation.

Luckily, recent breakthroughs in transportation science have given these people an alternative mode of transportation, which is extremely friendly to both the environment and to other people’s ears: Shutting up and walking.

J. Williamez is a local musician.
He also organizes Segway drag races in the suburbs.

Published in Volume 64, Number 25 of The Uniter (April 1, 2010)