So another Winnipeg winter has come and gone, and spring is finally here. We as Winnipeggers now find ourselves in limbo between the two main complaining seasons. Spring and autumn can be very trying times for all of us in this fair city as it can sometime be unclear exactly what we should be complaining about.

Some people are still complaining that it’s too cold, while the more forward-thinking among us have already begun complaining that’s too hot, or that there are too many bugs.

On aggressively moderate days, I’ve even seen people complain that the weather is too seasonal, and in one case, even that there isn’t enough to complain about. It truly is a wonderful and magical time to be in Winnipeg.

Another outstanding springtime tradition in our wonderful city, happens every year on April 20 when a bunch of dirty pseudo-hippies get together on the front lawn of the legislative building to smoke large amounts of marijuana and eat insanely overpriced hot-dogs.

For a long time, I thought they were doing this to celebrate Adolph Hitler’s birthday, which happens to fall on the same day, but a few years ago, a friend of mine set me straight by telling me that what I’d been witnessing was not a birthday celebration at all; it was a political movement in the making. These people were not celebrating Hitler’s birthday, but instead, were demanding (through the cunning use of public demonstration) that their rights and personal freedoms be recognized. They were there to bravely force our oppressive government into legalizing marijuana by abolishing its rigidly enforced anti-marijuana laws that make it impossible for people to do things like smoke a bunch of marijuana on the front lawn of the legislative buildings every year.

“ I agree that, in theory, it seems unjust that a harmless plant like marijuana should be illegal to consume while dangerous drugs like Viagra (which give boners to old men) are not only legal, but are advertised and promoted on national television.

Any of you who might happen to be hippies may be far too stoned to have picked up that I’m being ironic, so before continuing, I feel I should make it very clear that I am, in fact being facetious. I think protests like the ones held every April 20 can be very effective and do make sense in places where the enforcement of marijuana laws actually takes place, but Winnipeg is hardly such a place.

Marijuana has actually been decriminalized to the perfect degree. It’s still illegal enough so the government can’t regulate and dilute its potency while charging way too much money for it, and it’s legal enough for us to be able to smoke it pretty much whenever and wherever we choose, with little to no consequences.

So I say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Unless you hippies are out there every year fighting for the right to worse and more expensive pot, then you should take a step back to think about what you’re actually doing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I see where you are coming from ideologically speaking. I agree that, in theory, it seems unjust that a harmless plant like marijuana should be illegal to consume while dangerous drugs like Viagra (which give boners to old men) are not only legal, but are advertised and promoted on national television.

I know I’d personally rather live in a society with a bunch of lethargic people eating ketchup chips than with a bunch of horny gyrating old men, but I think when it comes to political protest, we should all look at the bigger picture and choose our battles more carefully.

Because if we don’t we might get what you dirty hippies seem to keep asking for: expensive shitty weed that you can only buy on weekdays before 9:30 at night.

Catch J. Williamez at Shannon’s Irish Pub every Monday, where he always has lots of funny shit to complain about.

Published in Volume 63, Number 27 of The Uniter (May 20, 2009)