Let’s start off with a quick quiz, reader. Make sure to answer “yes” or “no” out loud, regardless of your present location.

Question one: Do you generally dislike sadness and tears?

Question two: Do golden retriever puppies and smiling children make you angry?

Question three: Would you care for a cool, delicious glass of holiday eggnog?

If you answered yes to question three: congratulations, you’re a tasteful person - go ahead and find someone nearby to give you a high five.

If, however, you answered no to question three, go back and reverse your answers from questions one and two, and then punch yourself in the face exactly six times.

Now, I know that some of you may read this and think: “Oh wow, this guy sure is presenting a ‘balanced opinion,’” your eyes rolling, your lips curling into smug grins, “What an exemplary piece of high-quality ‘journalism!’”

My response is this: if I were writing about almost any other topic, oh sarcastic and literate reader, I would most likely agree - both sides of an issue deserve to be represented equally.

However, when it comes to eggnog, I hold a firm belief that those who claim not to enjoy it either have not given it a fair chance, or simply do not possess souls. So, no, I will not be presenting the other side of the eggnog debate.

Fact: eggnog is awesome.

Whether you choose to enjoy it straight up, with a generous dose of your favourite rum or as the base of a sweet, sweet latté, rest assured - you belong to a community of all colours and creeds that is bound together by the shared trait of exquisite taste.

I could go on and on about the goodness of eggnog; I could write poems, though never one to adequately convey the beverage’s beauty, but alas, my space is tragically limited.

What I can do is address a question that has perhaps been asked since the dawn of eggnog itself: why can’t we purchase eggnog from our grocery stores all year round?

I know, eggnog lovers, it is difficult to refrain from rioting in the hot summer streets and tearing our clothes over such a grave injustice, but, in reality, the ‘nog-men have made a wise decision on this one.

You see, the concept of year-round eggnog availability is a Pandora’s box of sorts.

Sure, it would be great at first, but the ensuing rise in morbid obesity among all members of the vast eggnog-loving community would soon result in an economic collapse due to a rampant increase in healthcare demand.

What would remain after a few short years? A dystopian hellscape involving a system of distorted class-based persecution against all innocent ‘nog-lovers and their descendants.

Eggnog is good, but it might just be too good.

Carson Hammond is a second-year English major at the University of Winnipeg. He wishes you all a happy holiday.

Published in Volume 66, Number 14 of The Uniter (November 30, 2011)