Lately, there has been a lot of advice bandied about regarding the best way to survive a zombie attack. I’m not against having a little fun, but I’m getting really sick of all this zombie-related advice.

Though, admittedly, these pieces are funny and entertaining, they don’t provide any real practical value. The fact is that zombies aren’t real. Therefore, learning how to survive when they attack is pointless.

This week I’d like to do a public service for you, my readers, by sharing some real advice about how to survive an attack of something that is not only real, but inevitable: Unicorns.

You’re probably thinking to yourself: “Sure, I know that unicorns are real, but why would they ever attack us humans?”

Well, what you probably don’t know is that unicorns are vicious creatures bent on the destruction of all mankind. We have come to think of them as being docile and magical because they have hired a public relations firm to create a positive public opinion of themselves in the eyes of humans.

The firm they hired is not just any PR outfit, I might add, but the same one who worked for the American tobacco industry and told us all that cigarettes are not addictive. This same firm was also hired by conservatives in an attempt to convince everyone that global warming is a myth.

Interestingly, they were also hired by Bil Keane to convince everyone that The Family Circus is funny and deserves to be in newspapers across North America every day.

Though these were insidious campaigns, none was nearly as malevolent as what they’ve done for the unicorns. They have effectively convinced people that we have nothing to fear from these one-horned creatures. But one day, we will all see firsthand how wrong we’ve been about the unicorns.

The first thing to remember during a unicorn attack is that they not only smell fear, but that they find it absolutely delicious. A unicorn can smell even the slightest bit of fear from a mile away. This inevitably leads to the unicorn charging and chasing down its prey, only to gore it with its horn and devour its soul and entrails with unmatched fervour and viciousness. So, don’t be afraid of unicorns.

The next important thing to remember is that unicorns hate plain yogurt, so always have a four-gallon pail of plain yogurt on your person at all times. If a unicorn gets you in its sights, open the pail of yogurt and hold it up. Once the unicorn sees the yogurt, it will be paralyzed with fear of its own. When the unicorn smells its own fear, it will devour its own soul and entrails, leaving you free to continue playing tennis or whatever it was that you were doing.

I hope this helps.

J. Williamez’s music is so potent that it can lull a unicorn into a comatose state from 100 yards away. If plain yogurt is in short supply, bring J. Williamez for your own protection.