Hi. I’m J. Williamez. Like me, I’m sure you’ve all noticed that there’s been a lot of talk lately in the media and in popular culture about unicorns. This week, in Good and Evil I’d like to dispel some of the most common myths about unicorns, while at the same time, sharing some interesting and little known facts about these majestic yet tragically misunderstood creatures.

Myth #1: Unicorns are mythical

Though many people believe that unicorns are mythical beasts, they are entirely real – or rather more accurately; they were real. Fossil records clearly show that unicorns did, in fact, roam the earth some time in the 17th century in what is now Ireland for a period of about 30 years. Scientists were initially baffled by the unusually short lifespan of the unicorn species, until it was recently discovered with the help of genetic testing of fossilized unicorn remains that the first generation of unicorns simply did not reproduce due to the fact that they were all gay. Every last unicorn. Unicorns are the only species known in nature which is exclusively homosexual.

“ We now know that, while unicorns could shoot rainbows out of their horns, this was due to the existence of a special light-emitting ‘rainbow gland’ at the base of the horn, which was also responsible for producing glitter and happiness.

Myth #2: Unicorns are magical

Another commonly held belief about unicorns is that they were magical. Unicorns were not magical because there is no such thing as magic. Magic is just another word for what science can’t yet explain. We now know that, while unicorns could shoot rainbows out of their horns, this was due to the existence of a special light-emitting ‘rainbow gland’ at the base of the horn, which was also responsible for producing glitter and happiness.

Myth #3: Unicorns are docile and friendly

Many people believe, perhaps due to an almost unethical distortion of the truth in the media, that unicorns were friendly beasts who loved and cared for all the creatures of the forest. Nothing could be further from the truth: Unicorns were vicious and merciless killing machines. Like sharks, unicorns were omnivorous, meaning that they ate anything and everything the could gore to death with their huge and unyielding horns. Unicorns would roam the forests killing everything they saw and devouring their carcasses for the sustenance they would need to continue goring animals to death. They spent nearly half their time goring and devouring. The rest of their time was spent violently trying to reproduce with members of the same sex, which brings us to Myth #4.

Myth #4: Unicorns are G-rated

It is ironic that so much children’s literature of our time makes reference to unicorns because, in reality, a unicorn would be the last thing you would ever want your children to see. When it wasn’t tearing through the flesh of an innocent forest creature with its razor-sharp horn and subsequently bathing in its blood and entrails, a unicorn would spend most of its time having violent gay sex, while whinnying in both ecstasy and agony. Unicorns were not only the only exclusively gay species, but they also hold the distinction of being the horniest creatures in nature. They had sex randomly, indiscriminately and almost aimlessly, though sadly for the species, never progressed into any sort of heterosexual experimentation.
I hope now that you all know the truth about unicorns, the next time you see them being irresponsibly misrepresented (say in a theatre while watching a children’s movie) you’ll have the stones to stand up and cry: “Bullshit!”

Catch J. Williamez every Monday at Shannon’s Irish Pub – just don’t ask him about leprechauns, centaurs or the movie The Last Unicorn.

Published in Volume 63, Number 28 of The Uniter (June 18, 2009)