The history of Halloween

Even those of us who think we are well informed are actually a lot dumber than we think. This is due largely to the fact that we obtain most of our information from unreliable second-hand sources like the Internet, some kid at school or student newspapers.

Therefore, it is not surprising that most of us who think we know the origins of the holiday we refer to as “Halloween” are, in fact, completely wrong.

Many people attribute the now candy-laden holiday to ancient pagan traditions that marked the end of summer with a large communal feast.

This could not be further from the truth.

The real origins of Halloween are much more sinister. It was actually created in 1982 as a joint effort between chocolate manufacturer Dennis Cadbury and renowned dental hygienist Dr. Suzanne Teeth.

Although this seems like an unlikely pair, their motives become clear upon closer inspection.

Cadbury and Teeth realized that they had a common goal: to make a lot of money at the expense of average people.

They realized that if they could convince children to eat a lot more candy, they would both stand to make more cash – Cadbury from chocolate sales and Teeth from the resulting dentist visits.

That’s why they concocted the concept of Halloween. The rest is history.

This startling truth raises some very obvious and troubling questions.

First, if Halloween was only conceptualized in 1982, why do so many of us remember Halloween before this year?

Secondly, if all they wanted to do was convince kids to eat candy, they why did they convince them to go to strangers’ houses dressed as witches and vampires?

The answer to these questions is simple. Cadbury and Teeth are, in fact, witches.

They used their witch powers to convince our entire culture that Halloween was a long-standing tradition so we would not question it or point out how ridiculous it is.

While they were at it, they decided to make kids dress up like them to make their kind seem more socially acceptable.

You might think this explanation is a little far-fetched, but these kinds of explanations are more common than you might think.

Christmas, for example, was not popularized by Jesus or Walmart, but by a group of gifted PR experts who wanted to make it more acceptable to be fat and not shave.

Thanksgiving was created by a man with a grudge against turkeys, and Easter was created by a giant talking bunny that was looking for work.

Now you know.

J. Williamez holds alternative history classes in his basement. Often, he ends up lecturing to himself.

Published in Volume 65, Number 8 of The Uniter (October 21, 2010)

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