Hey gang, it’s me. I’m back for another week, to the dismay of some of you, as I recently found out.

I read a letter to the editor the other day in the Oct. 15 issue of The Uniter that complained about the lack of sports coverage in the paper (page 8). The writer implied that articles about the arts and bands and other cultural events were uninteresting, and that the space they currently occupy in these pages could better be filled with stories about university sports. The writer then ended the article by saying something to the effect of “J.Williamez isn’t funny.”

This really hurt my feelings. It’s not that I necessarily disagree, it’s just that I don’t feel that the writer gave enough effort in putting me down. All she said was that I’m not funny. There are a lot of other things about me that deserve just as much ridicule as my lack of humour, but this writer clearly didn’t feel they warranted any discussion. She could have commented on my poor personal hygiene or on my white-trash haircut and facial hair, or even on the fact that I’m 32 years old and still don’t own a home or a car.

She could even have pointed out that I spent an embarrassing amount of time taking philosophy in university, or that I have what some people would call “downright evil foot odour.” But for some reason, all she chose to say was that I’m not funny.

I guess this oversight might be due to the fact that she probably doesn’t know me; but if she had simply taken the time to do her homework, she would have discovered a wellspring of ridicule-fodder to work with.

I think one of the reasons that she doesn’t find my columns very funny is that humour is subjective. When I fart in church, for example, I am usually the only one other than the priest to laugh.

It’s just very surprising to me that she doesn’t share my sense of humour, considering that we have so much in common.

For example: Like her, I hate art and culture. These things are just silly wastes of time that could better be spent doing math or writing instructional pamphlets for DVD players. There’s really nothing like the feeling of writing a really good instructional pamphlet and then going out to picket cultural events. She and I also share the opinion that university-level sports are incredibly interesting to a wide range of people.

Most importantly, however, we share an intense hatred of me (or at least we will soon if she reads this column).

Given all of these important similarities, it boggles my mind that the writer of this letter and I have such differing views on what is funny. Moreover, I can’t believe that in a city as small as Winnipeg, she and I have not already become fast friends.
Well, it’s not too late … Drop me a line and let’s do coffee!

J. Williamez wants you to know that if you’re out there, you should come see him play Shannon’s Irish Pub on Wednesdays. Bring your friends!

Published in Volume 64, Number 9 of The Uniter (October 29, 2009)