OK, so I’ve been skirting around the issue for long enough; every week writing about something even more inane than the last, completely ignoring what I’ve really been wanting to talk about until now. I cannot however, continue to bite my tongue any longer, for fear that I might bite it clean off and then have to explain to the emergency doctor how I came to bite off my tongue — not an easy task without a tongue.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about may be offensive to some of you, but I need to get this off my chest: Glasses are blasphemous.

This may sound strange, but I absolutely believe that the choice to use and wear corrective lenses is in direct conflict with the concept of an all-knowing all-powerful God.

Let me explain: If there is a God who can do anything She wants and knows everything and loves everyone, then the only reason She would make someone with any sort of deficiency is if She intended for them to have it. If, by definition, God is perfect, and therefore cannot make mistakes, then She must have intended for some people to see more clearly than others, and therefore it is blasphemous to thwart Her plans of perceptual stratification among us humans. This is why I firmly believe that glasses are the Devil’s lenses.

Please don’t misunderstand: I do not mean that all glasses are blasphemous. Drinking glasses are perfectly fine (unless of course you are using them to drink alcohol or sacrificial virgin blood). Furthermore, I certainly don’t mean to cast any disparaging light on the nocturnal habits of Corey Hart. Sunglasses are perfectly fine; even at night. In fact sunglasses are just plain cool; they’re sort of like cigarettes for your eyes. It’s hard to imagine that God could possibly ever be offended by something as cool as sunglasses… or cigarettes for that matter.

“ I hope you are all finally beginning to see how morally wrong these Devil’s Lenses really are.

Even the name “corrective lenses” itself is pretty blasphemous. What exactly is it that we are trying to correct? Oh yeah; God’s horrible mistake — the one that only optometrists can correct…

I hope you are all finally beginning to see how morally wrong these Devil’s Lenses really are.

Well I’ve formulated a pretty elegant solution to this obvious path to damnation: Whenever you see someone on the street wearing glasses (or even those oh-so-subtle coloured lenses that people seem to think are so undetectable), grab the offending lenses and crush them under your foot on the street in front of them while screaming “Down with Satan’s spectacles!”

Admittedly this will be somewhat more difficult if you also require glasses, so maybe try to smash yours last. If anyone points out the hypocrisy inherent in your actions, just tell them you’re being ironic.

That’s what I always do when someone notices how much of a flaming hypocrite I am.

Catch J. Williamez every Monday at Shannon’s Irish Pub. It’s best to leave your glasses at home.

Published in Volume 63, Number 30 of The Uniter (August 13, 2009)