I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ways to make extra money and I’ve come up with an ingenious plan.

Step One: First, I’m going to defame myself publicly, and then sue the shit out of myself. You know why? Because I’m just the kind of gutless douchebag with a skin condition and severe leg odour who would do something like that!

Defamation: Check.

Step Two: Next I’m going to call my lawyer and sue myself for all I’ve got. I’ll probably get a huge settlement, as my lawyer is really good at lawyer-ing.

Legal action: Check.

Step Three: Because of the fact that I’ll owe so much money from the settlement to myself, I’ll have to use the money I get to buy a small army of robots to protect me from myself and my lawyer.

Robots: Check.

Step Four: Because I will have spent so much money on the robots, I’ll have to teach them each a trade to get jobs. I will, of course, arrange to direct all of their wages to me.

Robot slave labour: Check.

Step Five: Anyone who knows their history knows that exploiting robots like this will make the Belgians absolutely furious. After the 1987 Brussels Robot Crisis, Belgium has been leading the worldwide effort to grant equal rights to robots, cyborgs and even some larger household appliances, so preemptive damage control in terms of PR is definitely in order.

That’s why, this summer, I’ll be putting on a huge square-dancing party in my uncle’s barn. There will be a Belgian theme and lots of great fun for the whole family. The best part, though, is that all of Belgium is invited! I’m even going to have waffles at the parties and I’m going to make posters that say: “Come for the square waffles, stay for the square dancing. I’m so sorry, Belgium.”

Assemble Belgians: Check.

Step Six: At the end of the night I’ll get everyone’s attention and announce that I’ve decided to free all the robots. Then there will be much rejoicing, and the robots will come out in a big ceremony with trumpets and fancy pants.

Free the robots: Check.

Step Seven: Unfortunately, this is where things will inevitably take a drastic turn. Because of their natural hard-wired hatred and contempt for Belgians, the robots will have no choice but to attack. A bloody and oily battle will undoubtedly ensue and both robots and Belgians will be killed. I will survive by not participating in the battle, while choosing to cower behind heavy cover, filming the whole conflict with seven different cameras that I will have set up around the barn.

Instigate and film conflict: Check.

Step Eight: Then I’ll make an award-winning cinéma véirité film about the tragedy of the battle I caused. On opening night, I’ll donate all of the proceeds to my legal defense fund for my case against myself.

Then, I’ll get a job.

As a local musician, J. Williamez is practically forced to think up crazy plans to make money.

Published in Volume 64, Number 19 of The Uniter (February 11, 2010)