If you want to make friends, there are a few subjects you should never talk about: politics, necrophilia, mittens, etc. But by far the most important one of these to avoid is religion. This week, I’m not going to be making any friends.

For some reason, talking to people about religion almost always ends in disaster. Even my cat wouldn’t speak to me for a week when I made a comment about her belief in Scientology. It’s just a very personal and very touchy subject.

I do musical comedy for a living (every Monday night at Shannon’s Irish Pub…plug, plug), and I can tell you from experience that there’s no better way to lose a crowd than to tell a joke about Jesus. The same people who will sit and laugh until they cry at jokes and songs about poop, bestiality, masturbation, penises and vaginas will actually get up and leave while giving me the ‘evil eye’ when I make one little harmless joke about the J-Dog: that’s how strongly many people feel about religion.

Not only do I understand that, but I fully respect it. Even though I am an atheist, I completely admire religious faith. I’m not one of those pompous asshole atheists like Richard Dawkins, who treat religious people like they are stupid and primitive and who are absolutely sure they are right. I think it’s really cool to think about metaphysical stuff like where we come from and why we are here, and the more theories we can come up with, the better.

Furthermore, I think that even many atheists have faith; faith in science. I hear for example that there is proof that the universe is expanding. I’ve therefore added this to the list of things I believe. Not because I found this proof, but because I have faith in the scientific method.

What I don’t understand, however, is what’s called agnosticism. Agnosticism is the refusal to either believe in God or not to believe in God. It is a theological position characterized by the refusal to adopt a theological position. This absolutely baffles me. As far as I can tell, this is the only example of an entire group of people all choosing to refuse to make up their minds about what they believe.

I know that it’s impossible to prove whether or not there is a God (if it wasn’t then there would be no debate about the issue) but choosing to be an atheist or a theist has absolutely nothing to do with proof or knowledge; it’s only about belief. We don’t even have to be justified; we can choose to believe anything we want, and no one should be able to tell us we’re wrong (even if, for some reason we pick Scientology.)

So why then, if we can choose to believe anything we want, would someone refuse to believe anything? I used to think that agnosticism was for atheists who were still a little afraid of God – sort of a way to play for both teams and not step on anybody’s toes. But maybe being an agnostic is just a really great way to say, “I’d rather make friends than talk about stupid shit that no one can prove anyway.”

If that’s the case then game, set, match: agnosticism. Either way, I bet that if I were an agnostic, I would probably have some friends.

J. Williamez is a local musician who offends a variety of religions – but mostly Christians – every Monday night at Shannon’s Irish Pub.

Published in Volume 63, Number 22 of The Uniter (March 5, 2009)