Rarely do we, as the common folk most of us are, actually get a chance to witness greatness. Most of us are so used to being afloat in the sea of mediocrity that surrounds us that we forget what true greatness looks like—or that it even exists. Today I want to remind and assure you all that greatness is still alive.

I recently saw a television commercial for an upcoming movie that is, without a doubt, the most brilliant piece of public relations I have ever encountered. It was for a film called Whiteout, and from what I could tell from the trailer, cold weather plays a big part in the film, and is portrayed as having almost nefarious intentions.

I’m absolutely convinced that this movie is being financed by the oil industry as a way to solve the global warming problem. I know you’re probably wondering how a movie can solve the global warming problem. Sure a movie can make Al Gore even wealthier than he already was, but can a movie actually make a difference?

I believe a movie can make a difference. Of course no movie can end (or even really slow) the effects of global warming, but a well-placed evil snowstorm or two certainly can solve the global warming problem, at least from the point of view of the oil companies. The global warming problem, at least for the oil companies, is that the damn hippies keep complaining about it. If they were to stop, then there would be no problem per se, and the oil company executives could stop feeling bad all the time.

 

“ I know you’re probably wondering how a movie can solve the global warming problem.

That’s why I think this movie, which places cold weather as one of its main antagonists, is so brilliant.

What better way to make people embrace the irreversible changes that are already raising the global temperature at an alarming rate than to make them fear the cold?

Another film released a few years back called The Day After Tomorrow took this same approach, and was wildly successful. My personal favourite was the scene where the heroes were being chased down the hallway of an old mansion by the cold, but at the last minute they were able to jump into a canvas tent, which somehow protected them.

I think films should go even further that this, however. We’ve all seen footage of starving polar bears that can no longer hunt for food due to the lack of suitable ice coverage in their natural habitats: Why not make a movie in which a polar bear plays a vicious child rapist? After seeing movies like that, people would cheer the oil companies for protecting their precious children by killing off the polar bears as a species almost entirely.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that we’ve all got to work together to make sure that oil company executives get the praise and rewards they deserve for all the bullshit they have to put up with.

Not just the whole global warming myth, started by the goddamn hippies and the liberal media, but also the indifference of every one of us, who sit back and refuse to defend these poor innocent executives.

J. Williamez is a local musician. He pooled the change he collected while busking to buy a Hummer.

Published in Volume 64, Number 1 of The Uniter (September 3, 2009)