Bears – scary fucking robot bears

Well, as the leaves change colour from green to gold and red, and the hot summer sun gives way to a hint of winter chills to come, it is clear that autumn is upon us.

And with the coming of autumn, we can be sure that another annual visitor will be sure to follow. I’m speaking, of course, about robot grizzlies.

Every year the unfortunate deaths due to robot grizzlies become increasingly common, despite being completely preventable.

This week, I’m going to share some tips with you all about how to avoid a tragic and needless death in the jaws of one of Mother Nature’s most vicious robotic predators.

1. Do not taunt robotic grizzlies

This may seem very obvious, but a surprising 80 per cent of all robot grizzly-related deaths are a direct result of taunting.

It may seem pointless to warn people not to do something as stupid as taunting a robot grizzly. However, keep in mind that they also put labels on vending machines warning people not to shake them.

2. Always have a distraction ready

In case of a chance encounter, it is useful to always have something with you that will be able to distract the robot grizzly. That’s why experts now recommend that everyone always carry a robotic salmon, just to be on the safe side.
It is important to note that only fresh Atlantic robotic salmon will do the trick.

Robot grizzlies will immediately be able to tell if you have chosen to use cheaper store-bought, pre-frozen robotic salmon and will become enraged at your attempt to distract them with anything but the best.

3. Always go to church

This one may seem a little strange at first, but the best way to avoid robot grizzly attacks is to attend church services regularly. This is due to the fact that robot grizzlies are a deeply religious species of robotic bear.

Like most other types of bears, robot grizzlies are devout Christians. Most are Roman Catholic, however there is an ever-growing number of Presbyterians in many robot grizzly communities.

It may seem counter-intuitive at first, given that robot grizzlies are so likely to attend church services, to go to the one place you are most likely to find them. On the other hand, studies show that robot grizzlies are much less likely to attack members of their own churches.

They are much more likely, in fact, to turn to filthy atheists and agnostics to satisfy their lust for the flesh of human sinners.

4. Never assume

You know the saying, “It’s more scared of you than you are of it”? The most important thing to remember is that this is not true of robot grizzlies.

This is an idiotic saying invented by a moron and is never true of any of the creatures of which it is commonly said.

A robot grizzly can actually completely recharge its battery cells off of the fear of only one small child before it tears that child to shreds and devours it whole.

Now you know.

Quite frankly, The Uniter is just as baffled by J. Williamez as you are.

Published in Volume 65, Number 6 of The Uniter (October 7, 2010)

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