Man’s Breast Friend

Cosmetic surgery for dogs?

A group of retired rescue dogs recently underwent the canine equivalent of breast reduction surgery, reported the Telegraph.

The black Labradors, owned by kennel in Brentwood, England, needed to enhance their declining looks if they wanted to be adopted.

After years of over-breeding, the dogs were left with huge, sagging teats, which even touched the ground, and prevented them from finding a suitable home until now said Wallace Kennels.

“It didn’t look very nice and people just could not see past that – you could see it in their faces,” said shelter co-ordinator Teresa Bartholomew.

The surgery appeared to be a success, as the dogs found suitable homes mere weeks after the surgery was completed.

Dog lovers can be so fickle.

Now It’s Official

What is the measure of a man? Thailand’s Public Health Ministry intends to find out.

The ministry recently introduced its Official Penis Measuring Device, as part of its “Condom For All” campaign, reported Asia One.

The device, which is a disposable paper measuring tape, will allow men to know exactly what size of latex-based protection they require, in turn providing the best comfort and protection.

The tape can record widths between 49 and 56 millimetres, which Dr. Somyos Kittimankhong of the Department of Disease Control described as the “Thai penis size standard.”

“Larger size condoms can slip off or deaden the pleasure during sex, while smaller ones will cause discomfort to wearers. These factors dissuade people from using condoms,” said Somyos.

Unfortunately the good doctor failed to mention how someone with a smaller or larger member than “the standard” could participate.

Bad Inventions

Life has recently compiled a list of the “30 dumbest inventions” to have graced their pages since the magazine was first printed in 1883.

The unfortunate entrepreneurs are featured along with their ridiculous inventions, such as Hollywood inventor Joe Gilpin.

Gilpin rides his motorized surfboard, while Robert L. Stern smokes with his “rainy day cigarette holder” – a miniature parasail mounted to keep the water away from the lit end.

Other idiotic inventions include John H T Rinfret’s “anti-bandit bag” (if someone attempts to thwart this device, the contents of the bag will empty directly out the bottom – how this will prevent people from stealing is uncertain), the always popular “baby cage” (which is literally a cage to keep your baby in that hangs out your 10-storey window), and lastly, L. Ron Hubbard’s “electrometer,” which is, of course, used to determine whether tomatoes feel pain.

Watch Out, Manitoban

As anyone who’s worked at a newspaper knows, feuds between editors can get ugly.

But when your way of getting back at a rival editor is to have a giant naked depiction of him on the side of your building, perhaps you’ve gone too far.

German left-wing newspaper Die Tageszeitung erected such an effigy last week, reported The Local.

The depiction was of rival right-wing newspaper Bild editor-in-chief Kai Diekmann, naked and sporting a 16-metre-long penis. The penis scales the entire building’s facade and becomes a cobra at its tip.

The question of whether this is an insult or a compliment to Mr. Diekmann remains unanswered.

Published in Volume 64, Number 14 of The Uniter (December 3, 2009)