Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to properly protect myself from evildoers, and I realized that some time in the last few years, I’ve changed my mind completely on an important issue: gun control.

I used to think that guns were harmful to society and that not having strict regulations to control and track their ownership was a bad idea. As of late, I’ve come to see things in a different light.

According to the National Rifle Association, guns aren’t dangerous at all. Like they’ve famously said for years, “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.”

I’ve thought about this for a long time and determined that there is really only one reasonable conclusion that can be drawn: If we want to make the world a safer place for our children, instead of outlawing guns, we need to outlaw people. That way, with no people around to kill other people, people will finally be safe… from themselves!

So here’s what I propose: We start rounding up all the people we can find and, one by one, we kill them with a gun. Not only will this solve the “people problem,” but it will also provide a much needed boon to the bullet industry, which has been suffering some undeserved bad press in recent years because of the fact that their products have been used by ruffians and deviants to kill people.

Admittedly, to undertake a task as big as the one I propose – namely, to use bullets to kill all the people in the world – is somewhat daunting. That’s why I think the effort should be spearheaded by a company from the private sector. Which company is chosen doesn’t really matter, but some are better suited to the job than others.

For some reason the first one that springs to mind is Halliburton. Though, a company like Phillip Morris on the other hand, might be even better suited to the task, as they already have decades of experience in the field of killing people, albeit with cigarettes instead of bullets.

In order to avoid any funny business or lack of commitment on the part Phillip Morris’s top executives (such as not killing themselves after they’ve killed everyone else), I propose that their CEO and other top executives be shot first to both set an example for others and to help people warm up to the idea of making the world a better and safer place by getting shot in the face.

After all the people in the world have been shot to death, there will only be one thing left to do to make the world a safer place: Train a monkey to shoot the last surviving person, then have him finish the job.

So if you think, like I do, that safety is an issue in today’s society, then grab a gun and help make the world a safer place for your children.

J. Williamez thinks that, somewhere, Charlton Heston is smiling.

Published in Volume 64, Number 17 of The Uniter (January 28, 2010)