The Phoenix

KELOWNA, B.C. (CUP) – There are many alternative lifestyles that range from mild to wild in our everyday lives. But are any of them as overlooked as BDSM? This is a multilevel lifestyle that encompasses all that a person is – whether they are a bedroom kinkster or a full-blown pervert. 

The actual term BDSM is a layered acronym. The B and D stand for bondage and discipline, while D and S stand for dominance and submission. A commonly related acronym, S&M, stands for sadism and masochism. 

Many people attach a bad stigma to the BDSM world and especially to the term S&M. The news continually points out misguided people who commit heinous crimes as being “sadistic.” This is due to the fact that a sadist does enjoy watching their partner suffer whether it is through sensation or pain. Any reasonable sadist knows, however, that this must be done consensually. Hence, the BDSM catchphrase of “safe, sane and consensual.”

Within the BDSM community there are a wide variety of subcultures. Every person who chooses to live in this lifestyle lives by a different dynamic. There are groups who choose to live as a “family” with a central head and counterparts; some just like to throw some kink into their lives or into their bedroom scene. Others live by a 100 per cent slave and master dynamic. 

Everything is done with understanding and acceptance on both sides – or every side – of the equation. 

Often before a scene or play session is set up, limits and rules are agreed upon. The bottom (the person giving up control) is likely to have a “safe word” they can say to halt activities at any time. This is used when they feel their wishes are not being respected, or if they become uncomfortable with the direction that their session is going.  A top (the person taking complete control) is universally expected to respect their partner and their wishes.

Even when a couple decides that it is time for them to move into a master/slave dynamic, there are still some things that need to take place. Sometimes both parties sign contracts that clearly state what can and cannot happen during their BDSM activities. Often these contracts are held just as closely as wedding contracts, with couples feeling much more bonded together than they would in any normal marriage. There are often ceremonies that can happen alone or with family and friends as the couple goes through their transitions as a BDSM couple together. 

These ceremonies are often referred to as “collaring” or “roses” ceremonies. 

Many people frown uncomfortably at the idea of BDSM lifestyles and insist that it just an excuse to abuse others with no penalties. For the most part, the BDSM community as a whole frowns strongly on the idea of non-consensual cruelty. The community wants to see no one harmed emotionally or physically. The main point of the BDSM lifestyle is for everyone to have a comfortable niche while still being an indulgent individual. Here is a fitting quote from an anonymous friend that explains this well:

“Have you ever felt the joy and affection of resting your head on a man’s thigh with him stroking your hair? Or the peace and contentment or having the man sleep soundly with you in his arms? Or the excitement and thrill when he traps you between himself and a wall and looks at you with lust in his eyes? Or perhaps the safety and assurance of when he holds you tightly in an embrace? It is these feelings that make me glad that I am a slave.”

BDSM is often a misunderstood subculture, but with awareness we can beat unwarranted stigmas and educate the world. Know that the BDSM community practices the art of “safe, sane and consensual” play. Most of us don’t bite — unless asked to, of course.