Ah, Halloween. All holidays encourage ridiculous outfits and weird behavior, but Halloween does it the best. The following is a preview of things to look forward to this Oct. 31.

The Costumes

Slutty Whores:

Push-up bra? Check. Fishnets? Check. Throw in a random animal-themed accessory and abra-ca-scantily-clad-abra, you have yourself a costume. For the ladies in need of a two-syllable “da-amn” to boost their self-confidence, Halloween presents the perfect opportunity to dress like a whore in a social setting without getting arrested for soliciting. What’s interesting is that every girl is aware of this pathetic excuse to show off their tits, but they still try to out-skank every other girl at the party. I suggest that in order to win the award for sluttyest costume this Halloween, cut out the cat ears and just dress like a prostitute.

Costume Recyclers:

You know the guy who has been Freddy Krueger every freaking year since the original movie came out? And the girl who has been a princess since she was seven solely because she still has the crown? GET A NEW COSTUME ALREADY. The only exception to these types of costumes are the My-Parents-Had-A-Rough-Year-Financially Costumes – like when your mom tries to save money by sewing pom-poms to the front of last year’s bee costume and tells you you’re a clown this year. A clown with a stinger. Thanks, Mom.

Offensive Costumes:

If you are going to dress as an aborted fetus or Sarah Palin carrying a bloody, dead bear wearing an Obama mask, you have to be prepared to be called an asshole at least eight times that evening. Ranging from disturbingly crude to poignantly clever, the offensive costume usually reflects current pop culture, and is often the male equivalent of the slutty whore costume (“How many people can I make spit out their beer in disgust” as opposed to “how many guys can I provide jerk-off material for?”). Offensive costumes make you wonder who the fuck creates these costumes. If anyone knows where to apply for the job designing penis costumes, please let me know.

The people

The Kid Who is Way Too Old to be Trick-or-Treating:

Eventually, our trick-or-treating days must be put behind us and we, completing the circle of life, end up handing out the candy. You hear the battle cry, you open the door and see a group of the cutest little kids dressed as wizards, ninjas, bunnies and – what the fuck? A six-foot-two dude in a clown mask? You knew you heard a post-pubescent male voice somewhere in that “trick-or-treat.” This douchebag always stands in the back of the crowd, as if the initial cuteness of the munchkins that immediately confronts your eyes will reduce the obviousness of his presence. Although, I guess it’s commendable that some stoners actually exercise in order to find food and satisfy their munchies.

The Worried Parent:

Back when I went trick-or-treating, my dad let me run wild (or more accurately, waddle wild with my costume on top of my snowsuit). Now I see parents coming right up to the doors with their children and inspecting the candy they receive to make sure it’s not laced with crack. Then they jump back in the minivan and drive to the next house to make sure their kids don’t get attacked by hooligans on the way. Being over-protective is a parent’s prerogative, but waddling wild through the streets at night is one of the most exciting things about Halloween for kids. And honestly, if someone’s going to give your kid crack, it would happen at school anyway.

The Obesity Supporters/Hygiene Enthusiasts:

You know the house that gives away the full-size chocolate bars? These people are contributing to rising childhood obesity rates. What’s missing in these people’s lives that they need to bribe children with more carbohydrates and sugar than their neighbours? In opposition to the Obesity Supporters we have the Hygiene Enthusiasts: the ones who give you a toothbrush or soap. Halloween is the one magically strange day of the year where it is socially acceptable to scream at people’s doors and be rewarded with candy for it. Not super fantastic candy and not the exact opposite of candy – just candy. If you encounter these people on Halloween, smack them in the head with your UNICEF box.

Published in Volume 65, Number 9 of The Uniter (October 28, 2010)