“And a thousand thousand slimy things / Lived on; and so did I.” – Samuel Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Oh, hi there!

You know, you look really familiar. Aren’t you the same couple I used to see everywhere in high school? You know, the one always swapping spit on the bus ride to school, in the art room hallway, the cafeteria, the library and on the bus back home? No? Goddamn, you look just like them!

Well, don’t mind me. This isn’t uncomfortable at all, really. I’ll just grab my books out of here, a couple of pens, stop in by the bathroom so I can scrub my eyeballs with soap and get to class.

Actually, I hate to be a bother, but would you mind scooting over just a few feet to your right? It’s just that, you two have formed a three-foot-thick wall of greasy teenage lovin’ between me and my locker. Thanks. While you’re at it (I know that maybe now I’m asking too much), could you not make that loud slurping noise? It sounds like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of its mouth.

Holy shit! You just tried to bite her ear off! This is worse than the Tyson-Holyfield match back in ‘97, you sick son of a…

What’s that? Oh, well, pardon me. Look, lady, I said I was sorry. How am I supposed to know you like it when he tries to gnaw off parts of your face? It’s weird, is all I’m saying, sorta like how you were clawing at his face a minute ago.

Hey, I’m just trying to get my books out of here, all right? I didn’t come here to see this freaky, reptilian mating ritual thing you’ve got going on. This has been like watching the Hindenburg crash into the Titanic, except the Titanic is full of oil drums and the resulting spill kills baby seals. Cute ones too.

It’s not like I walked down into the mezzanine below Riddell Hall, where your kind traditionally make their lair.

You’re right, you’re right… Let’s all just calm down, this has all gotten out way of hand. I know I said some harsh things, but could you maybe, just possibly consider how the other couple thousand people here don’t want to see two people trying – from all appearances – to swallow each other’s noses?

No? Well, fine. I’ll see you again on Monday.

Rob Holt is a University of Winnipeg student who feels school time should be devoted to more academic activities.

Published in Volume 64, Number 7 of The Uniter (October 15, 2009)