The Sheaf (University of Saskatchewan)

SASKATOON (CUP) – I understand that American Apparel is something of a big deal to the kids these days. Young people think it is extremely correct to buy and then wear their clothes. This is becoming a problem for me.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the store’s strategy to clothe women in as little skin tight lycra as possible; I understand that motive entirely. It’s not that I resent the minimum $30 you have to spend just for entering the store; I solved that dilemma by never buying any of their ridiculously overpriced clothes.

I don’t even have a problem with the cruel mock-ups of feety pyjamas they are tricking adults into wearing in public, because that appeals to my twisted sense of humour.

I do have a problem, however, with their unfortunate taste in decades.

Their products are a throwback to an earlier time and this in itself isn’t really a problem since I don’t mind nostalgia; I just wish they hadn’t chosen the worst decade in the last century to base their retro style on.

The ‘80s were a Technicolour nightmare of sexual ambiguity, political conflict and Gorbachev’s disgusting birthmark.

It was a decade so confused by itself that it produced N.W.A. and Frankie Goes To Hollywood at the same time. It was a screaming curtain of neon colours and sideways ponytails that was so vile it can still wake me in a cold sweat. It spawned the first Lost Boys movie and Rick Astley in the same year – we’ve held war crime tribunals for less serious offences than that.

There were some good things to come out of that horrid decade: Ghostbusters, the last two good Star Wars movies and most of the people I know – though we can’t be blamed since we were too young to hate the time in which we were born. Had we been formed as more mature human beings we would have run screaming for the nearest window immediately after birth.

Admittedly it’s not fair to blame the whole problem on American Apparel. Musicians and celebrities and the time-delayed nostalgia that every decade probably leaves behind are really to blame.

The good folks at American Apparel are just savvy business people who like dressing their models up in as little clothing as possible. More than likely the company founders are ruthless profiteers taking advantage of a new trend in the confused microcosm of indie hipster douches. If nothing else, I can respect the desire to separate young people from gigantic quantities of their money.

But I can blame them for making it so ubiquitous. Before American Apparel, I saw fewer neon leotards – almost none, in fact.

I can also resent their choice in time period. In my humble opinion, the ‘30s and ‘40s are just itching for a comeback. Everyone all dressed up in a nice pair of slacks or a flapper dress, watches on a chain and everybody wearing a hat to hide from an angry god so that he doesn’t start another world war or a drought or give you polio.

Man, those were good times.

Published in Volume 64, Number 10 of The Uniter (November 5, 2009)